My mind's playing tricks on me. It's telling me that certain people have power over me, and they don't. "How do I know they don't?" my mind asks. Well, because the only person who has power over me--and my mind--is me. When you have built-up anger, it creates a boiling point. This boiling point causes my blood pressure to rise every time I speak or think of this person. I don't enjoy talking to him, and I can't remember the last time I did enjoy conversing with this, now, man. Unfortunately, you can't trade in family members. You can only learn from them and grow, if you want to stay healthy and happy. Life is challenging in that way. It gives you access to the deepest parts of yourself through your greatest nerve-wreckers. I mean, you have one day without that person and life is pleasant, but the moment that person comes into your space, they act as if they own you and have the right to intrude into your life just because they are family. What's up with that? I am angry about this because I've felt this for most of my life. I've felt this intrusiveness--this person who feels as if he can say anything and act any way. I believe it's from his own past that this behavior emerges. When someone feels that they can behave a certain way, without apology, it means, usually, that they believe they are entitled to certain behaviors because of their own personal experience--as if they have a pass to shout, yell, curse and fling their anger your way at any time. They are children trying to act like an adult, and I don't understand why someone would want to insult anyone, but it happens. This makes me really angry because I have experienced this time and time again, and I don't want to, nor will I choose to, be treated with disrespect anymore. I've taken a lot of abuse from this person. Now, I am a grown woman--a human being also--and whatever issues he has with his past needs to be dealt with by himself. If you don't like me--then fine--you don't have to like me. However, you will not treat me as if I owe you anything. No one owes anyone anything. If someone does something for you, and it's expected that you'll return a favor in the future, don't accept it. If you accept it, at least make clear that this is something that is for now and not for a future return. Otherwise, it's not a gift. It's an investment. Giving, in any form, is supposed to be done out of love and from the heart, and I don't feel as if I have to give or do just because you did for me. When I do or give it's from the heart, and if you haven't seen anything given to or done for you from me, then it's because I resent you.
Yes, resentment is another emotion that harbors no goodness. I have held onto resentment as well when I really want to acknowledge that some people are just bullies. Bullies are insecure individuals who are going to get you before you get them. Bullies come in all shapes, sizes and ages. We are all capable of being a bully. I have been a bully during my lifetime. Just admitting that makes me laugh at the one bully that I've known for a very long time. He thinks that he can get things done by talking to people in a mean and nasty way or that he can guilt you into doing something just because he did something for you. It's nice when people do things for you, don't get me wrong, but when something is expected in return, then that's when the giving is not good. The receiver's wondering when s/he will be expected to "pay" back this person and how. And it's not fair to impose your giving onto someone else only to expect them to return the favor at the exact time they need it. That means their time is more valuable than yours. And no one's time is more important than anyone else's. So, I've held onto this emotion--this grudge, anger, fear, resentment--towards this person for as long as I can remember. I didn't like the inconsistency in the expression of "love". If I wasn't who this person needed me to be whenever he needed me to be it, then it was a problem. I see him still perpetrating this idea even years later, turning people off who barely even know him. I refuse to be a victim to him anymore, and in order for me to do that, I have to do something I never wanted to, or knew how to, do before writing this. I forgive this person, even if he could care less. I forgive him for hurting me. I forgive him for hurting me, recently. I don't believe that he knows what he's doing and why he does it. Does that excuse him from doing or saying hurtful things? No. It does, however, bring down my blood pressure a great deal. Not feeling like I have to respond to every little request, question or remark he makes gives me back the strength and the desire to be myself. One of my friends could not understand why I felt I had to answer every question or concern when I was an adult, and I really didn't have an answer for her. I have one now. I was scared of him--scared of him yelling or getting so upset that he would curse or put me out. He's done it before, and I haven't done anything to deserve it. I know why he's angry, and he takes it out on me. I remind him of another person he despises--my dad. I can't help what my dad did to him even before I was born. I have my own relationship with my dad to live with. I can accept my dad for who he his because he was always up front with me about his life. This person not so much. So, all I can do is forgive, live and move on because life's too short to live with someone else's misery.
Love,
Yvette
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Who's Your Granddaddy?
Another good question, or a better one, that I have for my daughter is Where's Your Granddaddy? You know, I've felt a certain kind of way about my dad not being in my life. I've felt hurt, sad, ignored, invalid, unworthy, abandoned, undeserving, ugly, deceived, not good enough, and a whole slew of other feelings, at the absence of my father. It's been a very sad journey with my dad, or without him, but one that I've been able to deal with--one that I've learned to handle and not take personally. I forgave my father a long time ago. I don't know how I did it. However, I think I did it when it became too much for me to not forgive him--when holding onto so much animosity could have cost me everything and, possibly, ruined me. So, I believe that if there was anything I needed to do, it would have to be to forgive my dad. Holding onto the anger may have consumed me to the point of non-recovery, and because of that, I decided to let it go.
As time went on, I understood and accepted why my father hasn't been there for me. Over the years, he has told me parts of his story. My father was abused as a child and ran away from home when he was 14 years old. He never went back home to live. Can you imagine being on your own from 14 until forever? I cannot. I can't imagine what it took for him to survive this long. My dad will be 73 years old in December.
My father's been running ever since. He has helped to raise none of his children, and though it's not my responsibility to understand it all, I can't help but wonder what this has done to his soul. I understand some of my father's pain, for we share similar pain. We have both experienced abuse. So, I've learned to accept him on some levels--actually, on many levels. However, understanding my father's past and why he was unable to be there for his own children does not stop me from being saddened by his absence in this, his granddaughter's, life. It's as if history is repeating itself only this time, the excuses are not accepted--they are not resolved in my head and made okay. In fact, they're unacceptable. They're downright frustrating, sad and disheartening, to me. When I look at my daughter, I see this beautiful little baby girl. I'm happy about that. She's wonderful. But, when I look at her and see this beautiful little baby girl, whom her grandfather, who lives less than ten minutes away by the way, hasn't seen, I feel saddened to the point of fainting. It's disappointing. I feel overwhelming sadness as the tears well up even now. I don't want her to not know her grandfather. I don't want her to go through what I went through, and yet, even though she's unaware of it, she already has. That's hurtful to me--really hurtful because it makes my experiences with him more real. I don't know if the fact that she looks just like me makes it even worse, but I do know that the fact that my father is missing out on this lovely little girl is tragic. He's missing out, and he's causing her to miss out on him, and that's unfair. She should know her grandfather. That is her right, and he is not the least bit concerned about her. Okay, some may tell me not to say that he's not concerned. Well, if it wasn't true, then I have no proof. After all, actions speak louder than words. I feel overwhelmed with this fear of her being hurt like I was. I feel she deserves to be seen by her grandfather--she's beautiful enough--and even if she wasn't, then that would make her no less deserving.
I got it! I got two things, actually. One, I thought that my father wasn't around because I wasn't pretty enough. Well, Wynter has taught me that isn't the case at all. I can look at her and see that her beauty has not brought my father any closer to my doorstep than if we'd lived next door to him. And two, I realize that I'm saddened by what my father is missing out on. He's had ample opportunities with his children to make things "right". He has grandchildren and great-grandchildren--one of whom lives with him and is not being cared for by him--and for some reason, I'm expecting him to do right by this child. I guess it's because if he does right by her, then he does right by me. I'll feel validated. I'm looking for things to be made right through my daughter, and for some reason, I believe it is very possible. I won't allow my father to do an injustice to her. She doesn't deserve it, and neither did I.
I called my dad today, at the suggestion of my husband. It hadn't even occurred to me to call him, even with me knowing that he hadn't seen her since she was born two months ago. I called and let him know that I was saddened by his absence. He apologized for my sadness and promised me that he would visit next week. It's always next week, with my dad. He was supposed to come and see her "next week" a month and a half ago. He's been "next week"-ing me for as long as I can remember, and sometimes he has come through on his promise. I almost feel sorry for my dad--not having a car and all. My father is known for having Cadillacs and other expensive cars, and he made it sound so sad that he would have to have someone pick him up and bring him here, but I know my dad better than that. After he finished telling me his tale of why he hasn't been here, he informed me that he's going to Delaware--where many Marylanders go to gamble--this weekend. When I suggested that those same people who were coming to take him to DE could bring him over here, he began to laugh and say, "Yeah, well." Oh well is what I say. I can't force him to come. Still, there was a sense of sadness that my dad's life has become this.
I believe that my dad's anger and lack of forgiveness towards those who abused him as a child has hurt him deeper than the perpetrators. For many years, he's been wanting to write a book about his life. He recorded some of it on tape, already. I told him that I would write the book if gave me what he has on tape. I haven't gotten anything yet. However, towards the end of our conversation, today, my dad told me that he's going to find a recorder to finish taping the story of his life and that he had found the first tape on which he started telling about his life. (He just shared this information on his own. When we do talk about the book, I usually ask him but not this time.)
So, with all of my great despair, I feel a great sense of hope--almost tangible hope that my family's dynamics are changing at the hands of my father. I feel hope that my father finally completes his life story on another tape. Hope that he gives me his initial tape. Hope that he keeps his promise to see his granddaughter. Hope that "next week" is really next week because we all have to start somewhere. And, although tomorrow isn't promised, at the ripe old age of almost 73, I can't imagine my dad getting a better start. After all, 73 would also be the year I was born.
Love,
Yvette
As time went on, I understood and accepted why my father hasn't been there for me. Over the years, he has told me parts of his story. My father was abused as a child and ran away from home when he was 14 years old. He never went back home to live. Can you imagine being on your own from 14 until forever? I cannot. I can't imagine what it took for him to survive this long. My dad will be 73 years old in December.
My father's been running ever since. He has helped to raise none of his children, and though it's not my responsibility to understand it all, I can't help but wonder what this has done to his soul. I understand some of my father's pain, for we share similar pain. We have both experienced abuse. So, I've learned to accept him on some levels--actually, on many levels. However, understanding my father's past and why he was unable to be there for his own children does not stop me from being saddened by his absence in this, his granddaughter's, life. It's as if history is repeating itself only this time, the excuses are not accepted--they are not resolved in my head and made okay. In fact, they're unacceptable. They're downright frustrating, sad and disheartening, to me. When I look at my daughter, I see this beautiful little baby girl. I'm happy about that. She's wonderful. But, when I look at her and see this beautiful little baby girl, whom her grandfather, who lives less than ten minutes away by the way, hasn't seen, I feel saddened to the point of fainting. It's disappointing. I feel overwhelming sadness as the tears well up even now. I don't want her to not know her grandfather. I don't want her to go through what I went through, and yet, even though she's unaware of it, she already has. That's hurtful to me--really hurtful because it makes my experiences with him more real. I don't know if the fact that she looks just like me makes it even worse, but I do know that the fact that my father is missing out on this lovely little girl is tragic. He's missing out, and he's causing her to miss out on him, and that's unfair. She should know her grandfather. That is her right, and he is not the least bit concerned about her. Okay, some may tell me not to say that he's not concerned. Well, if it wasn't true, then I have no proof. After all, actions speak louder than words. I feel overwhelmed with this fear of her being hurt like I was. I feel she deserves to be seen by her grandfather--she's beautiful enough--and even if she wasn't, then that would make her no less deserving.
I got it! I got two things, actually. One, I thought that my father wasn't around because I wasn't pretty enough. Well, Wynter has taught me that isn't the case at all. I can look at her and see that her beauty has not brought my father any closer to my doorstep than if we'd lived next door to him. And two, I realize that I'm saddened by what my father is missing out on. He's had ample opportunities with his children to make things "right". He has grandchildren and great-grandchildren--one of whom lives with him and is not being cared for by him--and for some reason, I'm expecting him to do right by this child. I guess it's because if he does right by her, then he does right by me. I'll feel validated. I'm looking for things to be made right through my daughter, and for some reason, I believe it is very possible. I won't allow my father to do an injustice to her. She doesn't deserve it, and neither did I.
I called my dad today, at the suggestion of my husband. It hadn't even occurred to me to call him, even with me knowing that he hadn't seen her since she was born two months ago. I called and let him know that I was saddened by his absence. He apologized for my sadness and promised me that he would visit next week. It's always next week, with my dad. He was supposed to come and see her "next week" a month and a half ago. He's been "next week"-ing me for as long as I can remember, and sometimes he has come through on his promise. I almost feel sorry for my dad--not having a car and all. My father is known for having Cadillacs and other expensive cars, and he made it sound so sad that he would have to have someone pick him up and bring him here, but I know my dad better than that. After he finished telling me his tale of why he hasn't been here, he informed me that he's going to Delaware--where many Marylanders go to gamble--this weekend. When I suggested that those same people who were coming to take him to DE could bring him over here, he began to laugh and say, "Yeah, well." Oh well is what I say. I can't force him to come. Still, there was a sense of sadness that my dad's life has become this.
I believe that my dad's anger and lack of forgiveness towards those who abused him as a child has hurt him deeper than the perpetrators. For many years, he's been wanting to write a book about his life. He recorded some of it on tape, already. I told him that I would write the book if gave me what he has on tape. I haven't gotten anything yet. However, towards the end of our conversation, today, my dad told me that he's going to find a recorder to finish taping the story of his life and that he had found the first tape on which he started telling about his life. (He just shared this information on his own. When we do talk about the book, I usually ask him but not this time.)
So, with all of my great despair, I feel a great sense of hope--almost tangible hope that my family's dynamics are changing at the hands of my father. I feel hope that my father finally completes his life story on another tape. Hope that he gives me his initial tape. Hope that he keeps his promise to see his granddaughter. Hope that "next week" is really next week because we all have to start somewhere. And, although tomorrow isn't promised, at the ripe old age of almost 73, I can't imagine my dad getting a better start. After all, 73 would also be the year I was born.
Love,
Yvette
Monday, October 12, 2009
Post Now Before...I...Forget...
I'm feeling kind of down today. I guess I have the baby blues. I've been around Wynter--my daughter--for two months straight, already. I know two months is not as long as 18 years or more, but it is long for a new mom--at least, for me. You have a lot of demands that mainly come from the baby, and it's challenging to get things done. I'm not complaining. I am expressing what I'm sure many other new moms have felt. So, instead of bottling it in, I'm sharing. I have many demands on me, as most of us do, and I'm glad that Internet blogging exists so that I can let it out. I am a happy woman somewhere deep inside, but there is little outside that I see as happy.
I want to be all that I can be for my daughter, and I believe that sometimes the pressures of new motherhood get in the way. Am I doing this the right way? What's that on her skin? In her hair? What should I be doing with her at this stage? Is she going to be advanced? Is she going to be smart? If she's neither, will it be my fault? What if I miss out on her calling? What if I'm not living in the present enough? How much does her parents' intelligence play into her own level?
Okay, to you this may seem crazy, and it is. However, to a new mom with all the pressures of today you question these things, and it's not really what you wonder that can make you crazy. What can make you crazy is the number of times these questions can float through your mind, and they may no longer float but that can indeed become stuck. They've stuck themselves to all the other insecurities "not floating around" in my head. I am in trouble. I need help, and I'm glad to know that I have something like my blog to express my pains and doubts and fears and soul-filled insights. I am grateful for that! So, for all of you who aren't parents yet, be free knowing that, whatever your thoughts, they could very well have been had by your friends, neighbors, co-workers and even your parents. I'm just starting out, and I see my mom in a different light already. I love her! I mean, she had her moments when she could have possibly made other decisions. Who hasn't had the opportunity to make a better decision and didn't do it? I know I've had plenty. I'm not even sure if I could have been a single mom raising just the one--me. So, hats off to you mom and to all the other parents who took on the responsibility of parenthood without running. My dad ran and is still running, but, my mom, she hung in there and I love her for that!
I pray that I can be there for my daughter and that I can be present. With all the stuff that's going on in my life right now, it feels almost impossible for me to remain present. People will say that I have to be present. Okay, tell that to my mind with all the questions above plus the other fifty-million thoughts going through it. That's why I see this as a process. I know the learning will come. In fact, I'm learning now. My fear of failure is just that, fear. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes that fear feels so real that I can almost see it and touch it. I can believe every ounce of it. Yet, at moments like this, when I allow myself to step away from my thoughts, I'm able to see that I'm really okay. My love is there, for real. I'm learning and so are you. I just take it as part of the lesson--one for which I'm so very grateful to be having.
Love,
Yvette
I want to be all that I can be for my daughter, and I believe that sometimes the pressures of new motherhood get in the way. Am I doing this the right way? What's that on her skin? In her hair? What should I be doing with her at this stage? Is she going to be advanced? Is she going to be smart? If she's neither, will it be my fault? What if I miss out on her calling? What if I'm not living in the present enough? How much does her parents' intelligence play into her own level?
Okay, to you this may seem crazy, and it is. However, to a new mom with all the pressures of today you question these things, and it's not really what you wonder that can make you crazy. What can make you crazy is the number of times these questions can float through your mind, and they may no longer float but that can indeed become stuck. They've stuck themselves to all the other insecurities "not floating around" in my head. I am in trouble. I need help, and I'm glad to know that I have something like my blog to express my pains and doubts and fears and soul-filled insights. I am grateful for that! So, for all of you who aren't parents yet, be free knowing that, whatever your thoughts, they could very well have been had by your friends, neighbors, co-workers and even your parents. I'm just starting out, and I see my mom in a different light already. I love her! I mean, she had her moments when she could have possibly made other decisions. Who hasn't had the opportunity to make a better decision and didn't do it? I know I've had plenty. I'm not even sure if I could have been a single mom raising just the one--me. So, hats off to you mom and to all the other parents who took on the responsibility of parenthood without running. My dad ran and is still running, but, my mom, she hung in there and I love her for that!
I pray that I can be there for my daughter and that I can be present. With all the stuff that's going on in my life right now, it feels almost impossible for me to remain present. People will say that I have to be present. Okay, tell that to my mind with all the questions above plus the other fifty-million thoughts going through it. That's why I see this as a process. I know the learning will come. In fact, I'm learning now. My fear of failure is just that, fear. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes that fear feels so real that I can almost see it and touch it. I can believe every ounce of it. Yet, at moments like this, when I allow myself to step away from my thoughts, I'm able to see that I'm really okay. My love is there, for real. I'm learning and so are you. I just take it as part of the lesson--one for which I'm so very grateful to be having.
Love,
Yvette
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Make it Happen (title created at the end)
I want to do a magazine. I want to do a teen magazine. It has been my dream for about ten years now. I love teenage girls. I love them, and I want them to see me and get to know who I am. I feel it's important. I love when I write, and I am grateful for it. I am now not writing up to par. I have to let my best writing come. I just want to be able to do my best. That is who I am--someone who has the best of her shared with others. I don't like to hide, and I have been in a struggle beyond the normal struggles we encounter on a daily basis. I went to a place that I didn't think existed, but I am grateful for who I am when I am not afraid to be myself. I really want to do the magazine--to inject myself into the world in a way that I cannot be taken out and in a way in which I live my best life and impact people positively and do God's will for my life. Oftentimes, people want the spotlight when it comes to God's will and living a great life. My desire is to live in the world and to feel like I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. That's my dream, what's yours? My dream is to impact teens and others in a positive way, to see them happy, to change their lives and get them to believe in themselves. My dream is to thrive and to travel, to be me truly, to be courageous enough to see who I am and to be present in it. That is my job--to be present in who I am. I want to be up there with Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry, not because I have to be seen with them and known for doing nothing but because I know my potential. I know I can do what they do. I want to be in relation with them not just to say I know them but to be able to team up and make positive impacts through our respective talents, gifts and skills. I also want to be able to hold my own. I know I can do it! By the way, I'm also an actor. I'm just beginning to realize that. I want to feel safe in the world--to feel and know that I am in God's will. I want to know that I'm in God's will without people telling me. After all, it is my life--if anybody should know about it, it should be me. This may read like a ramble to you, but it is something that I needed to get out. Rambling, or not, I feel it and believe it, and I pray to feel it, believe it and live it. How 'bout that? By the way, Mariah Carey is on the Today Show singing "Make it Happen", right now.
I love you.
Yvette
I love you.
Yvette
Friday, July 31, 2009
I'll Miss You!
Boy, I'm going to miss writing in my blog. We're moving tomorrow and won't have Internet access right away, at least. We also need a computer/laptop. Therefore, I don't know when my next blog will be, so I wanted to write as much as I could while I have some time.
You never konw what you'll enjoy until you try it. For many years, I ran from my magazine dream (see first blog posting), and I didn't think that I was worthy enough to do it or would actually be good enough to do it. I had issues with me. As I'm writing this blog, however, I'm thinking of how much having that magazine would have meant to me and changed my life. I already feel attached to writing this blog, and I didn't know it until I realized I may not see it, for a while. I know, I can always go to the library or use someone else's computer, but just the idea that I am leaving something that I love to do causes me to believe that I was right on track with the magazine. So, now, after all that I've been through regretting not doing the magazine and, now, finding something that I enjoy doing, where does this leave me? It leaves me with a little hope in my heart. It leaves me hoping that what I just felt--that little glimpse--is a peek into the life I've dreamed of living. I hope it brings me independence and focus, belief in myself and confidence, belief in my dreams and that I have the force and power behind me to follow them. I believe I have something to offer this world. We all do, but, you know what, I really have to be this person I know myself to be--this person I see.
This blog has changed the course, for me, and I am so grateful!! It has given me back a perspective I haven't had in a long time. I'm not sure where I'll end up, exactly, but I do know that I want to end up exactly where my body, mind, spirit and soul tell me I belong--in the company of greatness. I have a responsibility to God and to this world to do the work I've been assigned to do. I am just happy that I've accepted that--it's taken a long time, and I've resisted for many years. However, I realize now that nothing is more important than the work that is meant to be done by you. So, you can run from it, you can hide from it, you can disguise your fears with all types of substance abuse, but the truth is, at the end of the day, the responsibility is yours. Life is ours for the taking. We have to live it and live it to the fullest. I'm still learning as I go along this journey, but it's good to know that a teeny part of me is back. Whew...
Love,
Yvette
You never konw what you'll enjoy until you try it. For many years, I ran from my magazine dream (see first blog posting), and I didn't think that I was worthy enough to do it or would actually be good enough to do it. I had issues with me. As I'm writing this blog, however, I'm thinking of how much having that magazine would have meant to me and changed my life. I already feel attached to writing this blog, and I didn't know it until I realized I may not see it, for a while. I know, I can always go to the library or use someone else's computer, but just the idea that I am leaving something that I love to do causes me to believe that I was right on track with the magazine. So, now, after all that I've been through regretting not doing the magazine and, now, finding something that I enjoy doing, where does this leave me? It leaves me with a little hope in my heart. It leaves me hoping that what I just felt--that little glimpse--is a peek into the life I've dreamed of living. I hope it brings me independence and focus, belief in myself and confidence, belief in my dreams and that I have the force and power behind me to follow them. I believe I have something to offer this world. We all do, but, you know what, I really have to be this person I know myself to be--this person I see.
This blog has changed the course, for me, and I am so grateful!! It has given me back a perspective I haven't had in a long time. I'm not sure where I'll end up, exactly, but I do know that I want to end up exactly where my body, mind, spirit and soul tell me I belong--in the company of greatness. I have a responsibility to God and to this world to do the work I've been assigned to do. I am just happy that I've accepted that--it's taken a long time, and I've resisted for many years. However, I realize now that nothing is more important than the work that is meant to be done by you. So, you can run from it, you can hide from it, you can disguise your fears with all types of substance abuse, but the truth is, at the end of the day, the responsibility is yours. Life is ours for the taking. We have to live it and live it to the fullest. I'm still learning as I go along this journey, but it's good to know that a teeny part of me is back. Whew...
Love,
Yvette
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Hallelujah!
"Depression is Anger turned Inward." This is actually a quote from my Pastor. He said it on Sunday, and I haven't looked at depression in the same way since. It doesn't have the same mystery that it used to now that I understand it in that way. The "turned inward" part helps me to know that I have the power to do something about it. Just wanted to share that with you...
Sometimes, we just don't know what life is going to throw at us, and when we get a curve ball, we often get offended or we deny that it ever existed in the first place. I have had some challenges, recently--ones to help me grow. I hope I've been up to these challenges because, quite frankly, they've been exhausting. When you know what you want in your life and you ask so many people their opinion that your own gets lost, you have a tendency to become angry and turn inward. I've done that on more than several occasions and have ended up being seen as confused, not really knowing what I want and not really understanding how life works. I get how life works, and I know what I want, but when you don't trust yourself and you seek the consultation of others, the way your life works becomes lost and caught up in uncertainty. I've entrusted my biggest dreams and deepest thoughts to others, without taking into consideration what I thought and how checking in with others for advice might affect me. That wasn't important to me. It was about instant gratification, and if I could find someone who would tell me something--true or not--I would take it, analyze it and find a way to fit it into the equation. Now, the life I'm living is not my own. It is a life built upon the ideals, principles, beliefs and thoughts of those from whom I've sought advice. With all of my wisdom, I have fallen into the trap of self-doubt and external approval. I am not happy with where my life is, right now. I know that I've been way more capable than what I've displayed, and seeking the advice of others was not out of necessity but out of mistrust of my own self.
So, what does one do when they look at their life and they see that it is not what they had envisioned, planned, thought, or hoped for? Well, for one thing, I believe that you have to know where you are, first. If you are in misery--for whatever reason--you have to find a way to make it better or you have to find a way out. And although there are many options in the world, this is not a time when the multitudes really apply. In order for me or anyone to find his or her way out of their own sheltered, boxed-in world, we have to find a way out. Now, I know I said, a little earlier, that, either, we have to find a way to make it better or a way out and that still holds true. However, in the very space that we're in--where we may have cramped ourselves into tiny places--in order to make it better, we still have to make a way out. Now, when I mentioned "out" earlier, I meant in the larger context/scheme of things. You must find a way to your own true happiness, and if leaving a situation is the answer, for you, then you must take that route. However, before you can even leave, you have to give yourself the space--the leeway--to attract something new into your life. Prayer works, for me. Talking to persons who inspire me to change, who really understand me and will tell me the truth is another way. Writing is another. But, prayer is the way. Right now, I have this desire to grow and to learn from my mistakes. Thank God! I never thought I would get here, but I guess making choices--like getting married--has forced me to take my life more seriously because there's nothing more miserable than an all-out, blown-out argument in a marriage. It makes me want to find a better part of me, a part of me that will handle the situation better the next time.
I like to believe that I am a good person who has made some choices that have yet to bring out the best in me. I'm learning them through mistakes. Still, I have my blog--my ability to express--which allows me to feel good that I'm putting something out there. I really appreciate those of you who read it. You never know how good something will feel until you try it. I can speak to that testament. Random people mentioned blogging to me for quite some time, now, and I've made excuses and have been hesitant in all types of ways. However, when life got too sticky for me, I rushed to this outlet to let out those feelings that were bottled up. The response has been good, and I'm grateful. I just hope that as we learn, we teach one another through our respective outlets so that no one gets left behind. I know that I want others to come aboard and get some of this good stuff--forget everything else.
Love,
Yvette
Sometimes, we just don't know what life is going to throw at us, and when we get a curve ball, we often get offended or we deny that it ever existed in the first place. I have had some challenges, recently--ones to help me grow. I hope I've been up to these challenges because, quite frankly, they've been exhausting. When you know what you want in your life and you ask so many people their opinion that your own gets lost, you have a tendency to become angry and turn inward. I've done that on more than several occasions and have ended up being seen as confused, not really knowing what I want and not really understanding how life works. I get how life works, and I know what I want, but when you don't trust yourself and you seek the consultation of others, the way your life works becomes lost and caught up in uncertainty. I've entrusted my biggest dreams and deepest thoughts to others, without taking into consideration what I thought and how checking in with others for advice might affect me. That wasn't important to me. It was about instant gratification, and if I could find someone who would tell me something--true or not--I would take it, analyze it and find a way to fit it into the equation. Now, the life I'm living is not my own. It is a life built upon the ideals, principles, beliefs and thoughts of those from whom I've sought advice. With all of my wisdom, I have fallen into the trap of self-doubt and external approval. I am not happy with where my life is, right now. I know that I've been way more capable than what I've displayed, and seeking the advice of others was not out of necessity but out of mistrust of my own self.
So, what does one do when they look at their life and they see that it is not what they had envisioned, planned, thought, or hoped for? Well, for one thing, I believe that you have to know where you are, first. If you are in misery--for whatever reason--you have to find a way to make it better or you have to find a way out. And although there are many options in the world, this is not a time when the multitudes really apply. In order for me or anyone to find his or her way out of their own sheltered, boxed-in world, we have to find a way out. Now, I know I said, a little earlier, that, either, we have to find a way to make it better or a way out and that still holds true. However, in the very space that we're in--where we may have cramped ourselves into tiny places--in order to make it better, we still have to make a way out. Now, when I mentioned "out" earlier, I meant in the larger context/scheme of things. You must find a way to your own true happiness, and if leaving a situation is the answer, for you, then you must take that route. However, before you can even leave, you have to give yourself the space--the leeway--to attract something new into your life. Prayer works, for me. Talking to persons who inspire me to change, who really understand me and will tell me the truth is another way. Writing is another. But, prayer is the way. Right now, I have this desire to grow and to learn from my mistakes. Thank God! I never thought I would get here, but I guess making choices--like getting married--has forced me to take my life more seriously because there's nothing more miserable than an all-out, blown-out argument in a marriage. It makes me want to find a better part of me, a part of me that will handle the situation better the next time.
I like to believe that I am a good person who has made some choices that have yet to bring out the best in me. I'm learning them through mistakes. Still, I have my blog--my ability to express--which allows me to feel good that I'm putting something out there. I really appreciate those of you who read it. You never know how good something will feel until you try it. I can speak to that testament. Random people mentioned blogging to me for quite some time, now, and I've made excuses and have been hesitant in all types of ways. However, when life got too sticky for me, I rushed to this outlet to let out those feelings that were bottled up. The response has been good, and I'm grateful. I just hope that as we learn, we teach one another through our respective outlets so that no one gets left behind. I know that I want others to come aboard and get some of this good stuff--forget everything else.
Love,
Yvette
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Life, for me, ain't been no crystal stair. I've been saying that a lot, lately, and the Pastor at church said it again on Sunday. What does that mean? I don't think my life has been that hard or that I've had to struggle that much. But, you know what...as I think about it, I realize what I mean. I don't mean that I've had a lot of hard times financially or getting my foot in the door. I mean that I've had to fight some battles, some personal ones that left me scarred, wounded and downright hurt. I mean there have been persons in my life who challenged my naivete, niceness and caused great friction. It feels as if I've had to battle with my family for many years, from the time when I was young--from being molested to be cursed out because of someone else's rage. I guess I always felt picked on and to reiterate that emotion--and to establish myself in pity--I've, recently adopted Langston Hughes' great line from his poem "Mother to Son" when the mother says, "Son, life for me ain't been no crystal stair." At the same time, this line has helped me to humble myself and to just live in the moment. When I say that life hasn't been a crystal stair, I'm really saying that life, right now, ain't no crystal stair. That doesn't mean there won't be one in the future or hasn't been one in the past, but right now, no crystal in my eyesight. I don't doubt that I won't see it in the near future. I'm just coping with this moment the best I can.
In reality, life, for me, has been a crystal stair--in many ways. I've learned how to grow and develop as a human being. I was placed in the gifted and talented program when I was in the fifth grade. In 4th grade, I was reading on a 10th grade level, and by 5th grade, on a 12th grade level. I went to a Magnet High School--my first choice. I went to the only college for which I applied--Lincoln University. I made it to NY on my own. I worked at a great company while I was there. I have talents and gifts that I have yet to recognize. I have many accomplishments. It's important to be reminded to count your blessings.
So, life for me has been a crystal stair. I just have to learn to overcome the obstacles of other people in my life who say they care and want the best for me. I have to care and want the best for myself, more than any of those other people. I am learning to progress. My regression is over. I am going to be me! It sounds cliche, but it's true. My life is meant to be lived. I'm meant to fulfill my destiny, and I do have the desire to do that. I will be successful, and I will make it through this. Why? Because life, for me, is a crystal stair, and I'm climbing all the way up.
See you at the top, or from it!
Love,
Yvette
In reality, life, for me, has been a crystal stair--in many ways. I've learned how to grow and develop as a human being. I was placed in the gifted and talented program when I was in the fifth grade. In 4th grade, I was reading on a 10th grade level, and by 5th grade, on a 12th grade level. I went to a Magnet High School--my first choice. I went to the only college for which I applied--Lincoln University. I made it to NY on my own. I worked at a great company while I was there. I have talents and gifts that I have yet to recognize. I have many accomplishments. It's important to be reminded to count your blessings.
So, life for me has been a crystal stair. I just have to learn to overcome the obstacles of other people in my life who say they care and want the best for me. I have to care and want the best for myself, more than any of those other people. I am learning to progress. My regression is over. I am going to be me! It sounds cliche, but it's true. My life is meant to be lived. I'm meant to fulfill my destiny, and I do have the desire to do that. I will be successful, and I will make it through this. Why? Because life, for me, is a crystal stair, and I'm climbing all the way up.
See you at the top, or from it!
Love,
Yvette
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Today, I'm feeling so-so...okay. I'm not in the best of moods, but I have to say that I'm above ground. (Old people say that, am I getting old? Or wiser?)
So, you can't let the stressors of life stress you out. You have to live your life. I have chosen to become more of who I am. Some people would think it is an obvious thing to do, but sometimes, you have to push yourself to go further into the person you truly are. Sometimes, those surface people who think that they know so much about themselves really don't know anything. And it takes a courageous person to admit that they have to learn a little more about him or herself. I definitely have to step further into me, to get to a safer place inside myself. This is not a hiding place, it's just a place where rest and peace reside and love is abundant. It a place that gives me the peace of mind to know that, where I am, no one can harm me. It is the place where God lives. We are all capable of getting there--through prayer, action, change of thought, conversation, a reflection in the mirror--many ways. So, this is my challenge to myself today--to get to a deeper place within myself. It doesn't have to be that much deeper. A little depth goes a long way, but I am challenging myself to go as deep as I can go, today, and to find peace within me to live and be free from the angst and anxiety that I feel right now. And if you're feeling anything that is not of you, I pray the same for you. Have a good one!
Love,
Yvette
So, you can't let the stressors of life stress you out. You have to live your life. I have chosen to become more of who I am. Some people would think it is an obvious thing to do, but sometimes, you have to push yourself to go further into the person you truly are. Sometimes, those surface people who think that they know so much about themselves really don't know anything. And it takes a courageous person to admit that they have to learn a little more about him or herself. I definitely have to step further into me, to get to a safer place inside myself. This is not a hiding place, it's just a place where rest and peace reside and love is abundant. It a place that gives me the peace of mind to know that, where I am, no one can harm me. It is the place where God lives. We are all capable of getting there--through prayer, action, change of thought, conversation, a reflection in the mirror--many ways. So, this is my challenge to myself today--to get to a deeper place within myself. It doesn't have to be that much deeper. A little depth goes a long way, but I am challenging myself to go as deep as I can go, today, and to find peace within me to live and be free from the angst and anxiety that I feel right now. And if you're feeling anything that is not of you, I pray the same for you. Have a good one!
Love,
Yvette
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Being Okay
Soft-spoken words come into my heart
Becoming inexplicably unnecessary to the outside world
I live here.
I am the emotional equivalent of a bumble bee
Always buzzing around looking for the next best thing
My world has become limited by my resources
I struggle to see tomorrow
For today is clouded with memories of yesterday
I can't wait to see a glorious day that may never come
If I don't see today.
I am struggling with myself
The days of yesterday feel calmer than today
And the days of tomorrow are nothing more than dark versions of today
How do I live this way?
This is not me
Soon not to be
Who am I really?
Is my question to be answered?
How do I find her?
Where is she in me?
How can she be free?
Becoming inexplicably unnecessary to the outside world
I live here.
I am the emotional equivalent of a bumble bee
Always buzzing around looking for the next best thing
My world has become limited by my resources
I struggle to see tomorrow
For today is clouded with memories of yesterday
I can't wait to see a glorious day that may never come
If I don't see today.
I am struggling with myself
The days of yesterday feel calmer than today
And the days of tomorrow are nothing more than dark versions of today
How do I live this way?
This is not me
Soon not to be
Who am I really?
Is my question to be answered?
How do I find her?
Where is she in me?
How can she be free?
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Wrong Way
Sometimes, I feel like I'm going the wrong way. I do. I feel like I am misunderstood and that people will have their own judgments about how I feel. I mean, it's as if I can't feel what I feel. This sounds angry, I'm sure--and part of it is. I am not angry with the other person. I am angry with me. Why? Because I know what I feel and, sometimes, I'm afraid of it.
What I am learning--from being afraid--is that all is not always what it seems. My thoughts sometimes have a barbaric attack on my brain, and they like to consume so much of who I am that I become engrossed in their entangled weaves of web and limited thinking. Okay, that's a lot, but it's true.
I love being me. I mean, it's the best thing to me, and I'm sure being you is the best thing to you. There's no feeling like it, and I'm glad that I have God on my side to whom I can confide and pray and ask for the guidance that no other person can give me, including me. So, why the sudden change in attitude? It is because I took a short break from writing this and had a conversation with God--one that I was able to find some peace and some willingness to learn in the experience in which I am. Tomorrow is not here, and I'm thankful for that because of what I did for myself today--just by talking to God was enough to make the sun rise inside again. I feel good about having the sun rise inside again because I have lived in sadness for so many years. This blog helps, and, for it, I am so grateful. : )
Love,
Yvette
What I am learning--from being afraid--is that all is not always what it seems. My thoughts sometimes have a barbaric attack on my brain, and they like to consume so much of who I am that I become engrossed in their entangled weaves of web and limited thinking. Okay, that's a lot, but it's true.
I love being me. I mean, it's the best thing to me, and I'm sure being you is the best thing to you. There's no feeling like it, and I'm glad that I have God on my side to whom I can confide and pray and ask for the guidance that no other person can give me, including me. So, why the sudden change in attitude? It is because I took a short break from writing this and had a conversation with God--one that I was able to find some peace and some willingness to learn in the experience in which I am. Tomorrow is not here, and I'm thankful for that because of what I did for myself today--just by talking to God was enough to make the sun rise inside again. I feel good about having the sun rise inside again because I have lived in sadness for so many years. This blog helps, and, for it, I am so grateful. : )
Love,
Yvette
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Remembering the Past
I can't always say that I have the most positive of thoughts and most hopeful of dreams. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do have dreams--have had them for years. It's the hope of seeing them through that I seemed to let go of, one day. There are so many ways that we can repeat the mistakes of our parents and not even know it. What I'm realizing is that I've been trying to avoid the path of my mom while, all the while, taking the same road as she.
My mom died of a massive heart attack at 68. She had heart disease since age 55. She was never the one whom you would expect to die so soon nor have health issues so early in her life. She was zesty and full of life, so we thought. I had gone to see this Chinese Healer, one day, and she told me to ask the Spirits above about my mom. She told me to tell her the first thing I heard. I told her that I heard, "She's dead." She asked me if they felt like evil spirits. I responded with a yes because I thought only an evil spirit would say that my mom was dead when she was clearly alive. Well, as time passed on, I didn't know, for sure, if that spirit was truly evil. I think it spoke the truth. Why do I believe this? Well, now, if someone asked a spirit about me, that spirit could very well say the same thing about me, I'm dead--emotionally. Now, I know this may sound sad, but it is the truth.
I have been living like a walking Zombie trying to find my way back to living again. I lost sight of who I was, and got so scared of that, that I stopped living. I think my mom felt the same way, at some point. I believe she had a broken heart and never really recovered. I say this because some unusual circumstances led my mother to some information that would mean bad news and a broken heart, for me. When she heard the news, she said that she hadn't felt pain like that in years. When I heard the news, I was devastated, but I hid my emotions well for fear that my mom would criticize me and call me "weak" and "dumb." So, I dwelled in my pain instead of releasing it. This reminds me of Jay-Z who, in one of his songs, speaks of the sudden death of his young cousin. He expressed the importance of feeling pain and letting it go, instead of holding it in. I struggled with his level of wisdom, for a little while, because I had done the very opposite in my own life. I cannot let that happen again--the holding on of pain that reults in the killing of my soul.
There were several choices I made in which I did not handle situations with great wisdom. Who am I kidding? With no wisdom. Instead, I lost every ounce of myself trying to be with one person and trying to be somebody else for that person. The shame of messing it up was what caused such pain. Even after the relationship was completely over, I didn't deal with the pain. I still harbor that pain--not good, I know. So, this is why I remind myself of my mom. I see her pain as my own, and I see the choices I've made recently as not my own but ones my mother may have made. I have a daily struggle with my choices, knowing that I could have made better ones in the past. With all that mentioned, I still believe that I have time to fix things--not by my own hands--but by my willingness to let God be God and to trust that whatever direction He gives me, it will always be better than the one I'm on, in the long run.
Love,
Yvette
My mom died of a massive heart attack at 68. She had heart disease since age 55. She was never the one whom you would expect to die so soon nor have health issues so early in her life. She was zesty and full of life, so we thought. I had gone to see this Chinese Healer, one day, and she told me to ask the Spirits above about my mom. She told me to tell her the first thing I heard. I told her that I heard, "She's dead." She asked me if they felt like evil spirits. I responded with a yes because I thought only an evil spirit would say that my mom was dead when she was clearly alive. Well, as time passed on, I didn't know, for sure, if that spirit was truly evil. I think it spoke the truth. Why do I believe this? Well, now, if someone asked a spirit about me, that spirit could very well say the same thing about me, I'm dead--emotionally. Now, I know this may sound sad, but it is the truth.
I have been living like a walking Zombie trying to find my way back to living again. I lost sight of who I was, and got so scared of that, that I stopped living. I think my mom felt the same way, at some point. I believe she had a broken heart and never really recovered. I say this because some unusual circumstances led my mother to some information that would mean bad news and a broken heart, for me. When she heard the news, she said that she hadn't felt pain like that in years. When I heard the news, I was devastated, but I hid my emotions well for fear that my mom would criticize me and call me "weak" and "dumb." So, I dwelled in my pain instead of releasing it. This reminds me of Jay-Z who, in one of his songs, speaks of the sudden death of his young cousin. He expressed the importance of feeling pain and letting it go, instead of holding it in. I struggled with his level of wisdom, for a little while, because I had done the very opposite in my own life. I cannot let that happen again--the holding on of pain that reults in the killing of my soul.
There were several choices I made in which I did not handle situations with great wisdom. Who am I kidding? With no wisdom. Instead, I lost every ounce of myself trying to be with one person and trying to be somebody else for that person. The shame of messing it up was what caused such pain. Even after the relationship was completely over, I didn't deal with the pain. I still harbor that pain--not good, I know. So, this is why I remind myself of my mom. I see her pain as my own, and I see the choices I've made recently as not my own but ones my mother may have made. I have a daily struggle with my choices, knowing that I could have made better ones in the past. With all that mentioned, I still believe that I have time to fix things--not by my own hands--but by my willingness to let God be God and to trust that whatever direction He gives me, it will always be better than the one I'm on, in the long run.
Love,
Yvette
Friday, July 17, 2009
Calling the Shots
I just woke up, and as I began to wonder what I would write about, "calling the shots" came into my head. It came in the form of a question, in other words "Who's calling the shots?" I quickly wondered who's calling the shots in my life. And I know the answer before I have to ponder and question and wonder and think on it--everyone else but me. Why am I allowing everyone else to call the shots in my life? I have become externally focused on making myself right from the outside in, and that's just not right--that had never been my philosophy. I have to call the shots in my life. I think I know best! : )
Through writing, I find power. I love writing. It gives me the safe haven to feel what I feel and to express it abstractly, such as through poetry, or directly, such as a through blog. I never thought I would write a blog, but it had been suggested to me on occasions when I was, quietly, looking for something to do, without asking anyone. I believe I was being guided to share my thoughts with someone, even with myself. I hope I get to know myself better and to accomplish something while writing this blog. What? I don't know. I just want to be a better person--a better person to others and to me. My hopes and dreams are not conquered by fear. I will not succumb to that. My life is not over, and I can see that a little just by writing to you. I thank God for an opportunity, for an outlet that He feels best serves my purpose, right now--whatever the purpose, it's something. I feel good about that. I'm glad to know that He's still in it with me. For that, I am so completely grateful.
Thanks for listening.
Yvette : )
Through writing, I find power. I love writing. It gives me the safe haven to feel what I feel and to express it abstractly, such as through poetry, or directly, such as a through blog. I never thought I would write a blog, but it had been suggested to me on occasions when I was, quietly, looking for something to do, without asking anyone. I believe I was being guided to share my thoughts with someone, even with myself. I hope I get to know myself better and to accomplish something while writing this blog. What? I don't know. I just want to be a better person--a better person to others and to me. My hopes and dreams are not conquered by fear. I will not succumb to that. My life is not over, and I can see that a little just by writing to you. I thank God for an opportunity, for an outlet that He feels best serves my purpose, right now--whatever the purpose, it's something. I feel good about that. I'm glad to know that He's still in it with me. For that, I am so completely grateful.
Thanks for listening.
Yvette : )
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Waking up in the morning is very hard to do. Well, not actually waking up, but the feeling that comes from waking up is one of nothingness. Now, I know that we're supposed to be grateful that we're here to see another day and that is exactly why I'm mentioning this. Over the last several years, I've awaken to the same head-in-the-sand feeling, morning after morning. It has become devastating to me--not enough to keep me awake at night but enough for me to write about it. I know what it's like to wake up and feel excited, or even just ready, for the new day. I know what it feels like to leave yesterday behind and to look forward to the day ahead. I lost that enthusiasm for life after several consecutive disappointments. After disappointing myself, on countless occasions, I stopped looking forward to life. I felt helpless against disappointing myself. When Beyonce's "Me, Myself and I" came out, I loved the song. I had trouble with one line, though, "I know that I would never disappoint myself." I became jealous of her because I couldn't say the same thing about myself. I felt intelligent and able to live as great a life as anyone, but I could not get past the point the disappointments. I put myself on a pedastal--there's that perfectionistic issue showing up again.
I didn't think I was supposed to make mistakes, and once I did, I just couldn't move past it. I couldn't wake up in the morning with the same spunk, the same spark, and I lost all interest in everything I was doing. I was depressed. So, knowing this about myself and still waking up, today, with the same feelings, where does this leave me? Who am I, now? I am the same person I was when I first stumbled. In fact, stumbling reminds me that I am human. I guess stumbling was meant to have a humbling affect. Instead, I internalized it and became more and more negative with every disappointment. I didn't know that it was okay to make mistakes until recently, and I held myself hostage due to that lack of wisdom. Now, I feel a little better after sharing these feelings. I think I gave myself a little more power by sharing and disempowering my warden of Guilt. I am emotionally available, a little more--and I mean a little. Change doesn't always happen swiftly. This change has taken years, so if I break out suddenly, it's only because I got it, but it took a long time for me to get here, even. Nevertheless, I got here.
Love,
Yvette
I didn't think I was supposed to make mistakes, and once I did, I just couldn't move past it. I couldn't wake up in the morning with the same spunk, the same spark, and I lost all interest in everything I was doing. I was depressed. So, knowing this about myself and still waking up, today, with the same feelings, where does this leave me? Who am I, now? I am the same person I was when I first stumbled. In fact, stumbling reminds me that I am human. I guess stumbling was meant to have a humbling affect. Instead, I internalized it and became more and more negative with every disappointment. I didn't know that it was okay to make mistakes until recently, and I held myself hostage due to that lack of wisdom. Now, I feel a little better after sharing these feelings. I think I gave myself a little more power by sharing and disempowering my warden of Guilt. I am emotionally available, a little more--and I mean a little. Change doesn't always happen swiftly. This change has taken years, so if I break out suddenly, it's only because I got it, but it took a long time for me to get here, even. Nevertheless, I got here.
Love,
Yvette
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Missing You
I miss my mom, today. We had our baby shower, and I didn't realize how much her absence would affect me until she wasn't there. Her absence left a sore place in my heart. And to top it off, her birthday would have been in two days. So, I really don't know what to do with myself. All I have are my thoughts, and all I have are my issues with losing my mom. What can I do, now? People were very generous, today, but it just wasn't the same without my mom. I wish I could have seen and heard her laughter, today. I couldn't, but, I know she would be proud. I believe it's natural to feel this way. The sadness just crept up on me, which causes me to believe that it's to be expected at a time such as the one we had today. So, I'll just accept that she's not here with us to celebrate, physically, but she may be able to provide comfort and joy, spiritually. I love you, Mom, forever.
Yvette
Yvette
Friday, June 26, 2009
My First Blog
I wanted to start a blog because I needed a place to express myself, whether people read it, or not. Now,things have changed, slightly, with the death of Michael Jackson. My reason for starting the blog is the same--to express myself, but my perspective on my life is not.
To give you a brief background on me. I was born in Brooklyn, NY but moved to Baltimore, MD, with my family, when I was about two years old. I lived with my mom and my two brothers who are 15 and 17 years older than I. By the time they both moved out, I was about four, and it was just my mom and me. Although I had two siblings, I felt as if I were the only child. It was the best of both worlds, to me. I didn't have to fight over toys or anything most kids fight about, but I had two brothers who were there for me, when I needed them.
My mom was a perfectionist, and she needed to make sure that I represented her in the best possible light--that I did not embarrass her. It was a rough childhood due to that expectation to be who she wanted me to be. As a child, I had my own desire and excitement to learn from my experiences. It created a great amount of stress and chaos in our relationship from about the age of four. It was also confusing because perfectionists, who use the trait to change others, often change their minds about what they want based on their own needs. I grew up with perfectionistic issues and felt inadequate most of the time. However, I was able to maintain high spirits and joy within myself. I was still willing to grow. I didn't recognize myself as a perfectionist, and I was happy to be me. I was taught that I did not make mistakes, and that it didn't matter if others made mistakes, I was not to make any. That gave me a superiority complex to go along with the already inferiority complex I had developed. Still, I was able to carry on, until my late 20's, without fear. At that time, I knew what I wanted and I followed, until my issues caught up with me.
So, what happened? The perfectionistic ideals that I grew up with began to sprout, and I didn't want the life that was showing up before me. I never thought about being married until I lost the opportunity to be married to what felt like the perfect man for me. I didn't listen to myself. I was listening to others who were being superficial. So, I blew it. I allowed others to convince me not to do what I knew in my heart to do--move forward with this man even though he didn't have what I thought would make the ideal husband. He wasn't perfect enough, and so I said no to the possibility. The husband I thought I wanted didn't show up--his look wasn't what I had in mind.--and, eventually, he moved on. Nor did the magazine show up the way I wanted. I had this dream to start a teen magazine. It was good. It was relevant. It had attitude and quality that unlike any other magazine on the newsstand. And I had confidence, but I was afraid--afraid of being rejected by someone who had the power to say no to something I wanted to do so badly--there's that inferiority complex. I actually had to ask for help! Something I was not used to doing. I am still angry over my choices. I was very unhappy with my life because of the choices I made and didn't make. I wished I could have done better at the moment or could do them over. I regretted not being who I was, even now. Although I don't pretend to know anything about him, I kind of understand Michael Jackson--why and how he suffered. I still punish myself and feel punished for being the kind of person I was when I made those choices I made.
Michael Jackson was a living icon, to me. He wasn't someone whom I thought would die so soon. I feel as if I've taken his life for granted, in that way. I loved Michael Jackson. I had a quiet love for him--one of the very few persons whom I did not judge. I understood him, in a way. I wish I could have been more compassionate with family and friends in the same way that I had been for Michael. I wish I could have given myself--at least--the chance to know him by following my dreams a long time ago. Now is the time, however, for me to learn some things about my own life in the way I let Michael Jackson just be--without judgment. I am very hard on people, thinking that they should be the way I want them to be. However as hard as I am on others, I am harder on myself. I have this need to be perfect--a demand for perfection. And I need to turn it into something positive. It is definitely a curse to want to be perfect because none of us ever quite reach perfection. A former friend of mine said that we should not strive for perfection but for excellence. Excellence doesn't have quite the same ring to me, but I believe excellence is perfection at its best. My mind has been circled around my self, and it has caused me to grieve over the life I could have been living. I grieved over the things I've lost because I was unforgiving of myself for making mistakes. Lacking the wisdom and the willingness to forgive myself--and being a perfectionist while making the mistakes I made--killed who I was. I died with every negative comment I made, and the ones I heard, about me. I have the desire to build up people, and I know the impact of being torn down--telling people your dreams and their response being that you cannot accomplish your dreams the way you want. I didn't know anything about having a dream until I had one. I also didn't know anything about sharing--or not sharing--my dream with others.
I thought everyone would be happy for me. Most were, as long as I was doing it in a way that made sense to them. Others, although only a few, just didn't believe in it at all. So, where did that leave me? Carrying the dream all by myself? Those who were trying to tell me how to fulfill my dream may have had my best interest at heart, but they really didn't know what they were talking about. It didn't feel like love. It felt more like criticism. Now, I have to start from scratch, which is cool. As long as I'm starting, I figure that could be nothing but a good thing. So, after writing all of this, what am I really saying? Don't listen to other people if it doesn't go with your internal beliefs. If you believe that you can make your dreams happen, then do it in the way that you know how. Don't let others interfere because, usually, those are the very persons who have no dream--or no faith--to follow anyway. And if you know no one who has fulfilled their dream, then you be the trailblazer. You set the path and watch those very Nay Sayers follow. They'll be happy to hear what you have to say, then.
Yvette
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