My mind's playing tricks on me. It's telling me that certain people have power over me, and they don't. "How do I know they don't?" my mind asks. Well, because the only person who has power over me--and my mind--is me. When you have built-up anger, it creates a boiling point. This boiling point causes my blood pressure to rise every time I speak or think of this person. I don't enjoy talking to him, and I can't remember the last time I did enjoy conversing with this, now, man. Unfortunately, you can't trade in family members. You can only learn from them and grow, if you want to stay healthy and happy. Life is challenging in that way. It gives you access to the deepest parts of yourself through your greatest nerve-wreckers. I mean, you have one day without that person and life is pleasant, but the moment that person comes into your space, they act as if they own you and have the right to intrude into your life just because they are family. What's up with that? I am angry about this because I've felt this for most of my life. I've felt this intrusiveness--this person who feels as if he can say anything and act any way. I believe it's from his own past that this behavior emerges. When someone feels that they can behave a certain way, without apology, it means, usually, that they believe they are entitled to certain behaviors because of their own personal experience--as if they have a pass to shout, yell, curse and fling their anger your way at any time. They are children trying to act like an adult, and I don't understand why someone would want to insult anyone, but it happens. This makes me really angry because I have experienced this time and time again, and I don't want to, nor will I choose to, be treated with disrespect anymore. I've taken a lot of abuse from this person. Now, I am a grown woman--a human being also--and whatever issues he has with his past needs to be dealt with by himself. If you don't like me--then fine--you don't have to like me. However, you will not treat me as if I owe you anything. No one owes anyone anything. If someone does something for you, and it's expected that you'll return a favor in the future, don't accept it. If you accept it, at least make clear that this is something that is for now and not for a future return. Otherwise, it's not a gift. It's an investment. Giving, in any form, is supposed to be done out of love and from the heart, and I don't feel as if I have to give or do just because you did for me. When I do or give it's from the heart, and if you haven't seen anything given to or done for you from me, then it's because I resent you.

Yes, resentment is another emotion that harbors no goodness. I have held onto resentment as well when I really want to acknowledge that some people are just bullies. Bullies are insecure individuals who are going to get you before you get them. Bullies come in all shapes, sizes and ages. We are all capable of being a bully. I have been a bully during my lifetime. Just admitting that makes me laugh at the one bully that I've known for a very long time. He thinks that he can get things done by talking to people in a mean and nasty way or that he can guilt you into doing something just because he did something for you. It's nice when people do things for you, don't get me wrong, but when something is expected in return, then that's when the giving is not good. The receiver's wondering when s/he will be expected to "pay" back this person and how. And it's not fair to impose your giving onto someone else only to expect them to return the favor at the exact time they need it. That means their time is more valuable than yours. And no one's time is more important than anyone else's. So, I've held onto this emotion--this grudge, anger, fear, resentment--towards this person for as long as I can remember. I didn't like the inconsistency in the expression of "love". If I wasn't who this person needed me to be whenever he needed me to be it, then it was a problem. I see him still perpetrating this idea even years later, turning people off who barely even know him. I refuse to be a victim to him anymore, and in order for me to do that, I have to do something I never wanted to, or knew how to, do before writing this. I forgive this person, even if he could care less. I forgive him for hurting me. I forgive him for hurting me, recently. I don't believe that he knows what he's doing and why he does it. Does that excuse him from doing or saying hurtful things? No. It does, however, bring down my blood pressure a great deal. Not feeling like I have to respond to every little request, question or remark he makes gives me back the strength and the desire to be myself. One of my friends could not understand why I felt I had to answer every question or concern when I was an adult, and I really didn't have an answer for her. I have one now. I was scared of him--scared of him yelling or getting so upset that he would curse or put me out. He's done it before, and I haven't done anything to deserve it. I know why he's angry, and he takes it out on me. I remind him of another person he despises--my dad. I can't help what my dad did to him even before I was born. I have my own relationship with my dad to live with. I can accept my dad for who he his because he was always up front with me about his life. This person not so much. So, all I can do is forgive, live and move on because life's too short to live with someone else's misery.

Love,
Yvette