Death Can Teach a Great Many Things about Life

It really saddens me when I look at the tributes, on fb, to my cousin, Kristal. I wasn't able to be there to participate. It saddens me that I missed something that was so beautiful, something that attibuted to her life and the kind of person she was to us all.

I wish I had the strength of her mom, Yvonne, who I'm sure did an excellent job of making sure her life was celebrated. Yvonne knows where the strength is--it is not in remembering the day of her death but the years of her life, and I wish I had that kind of strength, right now--that light that leads to healthy living and prosperity. So, I celebrate you, Yvonne, for being the kind of mom who loved her kids, everyday, and lived with them, everyday, no matter what. This tragedy has brought so many life lessons, to call it anything other than life is to not call it at all. I love you, dear Kristal, and I want you to know how much your death has impacted my life--the pain being so unbearable that I'm forced into celebrating who you are.

I pray that we all take away from this light you have given us the permission and the freedom to live, despite everything else. RIP, dear sweet cousin.

Love you always,
Yvette

Rant, No More

I was going to rant about something that was just demanded of me, yesterday. I can't believe some of the things people expect of you (hopefully, you know no one like that), but, once I saw the background of my blog, all I could think of was my cousin, Kristal. Kristal. How sad I was when I heard the news. (My tears begin to overflow.) I haven't cried since Saturday when I found out that my beautiful 27-year-old cousin was killed in a car accident. I thought I was going to go into labor when I heard the news. I had to calm myself and realize the state of my physical being. I was not ready for this baby to come. Still, my sorrow was uncontrollable, hearing such tragic and unexpected news. She hasn't even been funeralized, yet, and someone is trying to force one more stress upon me. So, I was going to write about that because I refuse to have it inside of me, but, what's more pressing for me is my dear, sweet cousin, Kristal--forget everything else. That's what's most important to me, from now until Sunday--the day of her funeral, which will be held in Tampa, Florida. Unfortunately, I won't be able to attend, Doctor's orders. It hurt to hear him say that he would not recommend it, but I had to ask. I'll just have to find closure in some other way.

For now, this is to Kristal:

Kristal,

I love you, and I always thought of you as a bright star. Even when you were alive, I often looked back at the days when I used to babysit you. I was barely into my teens, and you would come and stay with me at my mom's house. You loved life, even then, being one of those very inquisitive children who needed to know and understand as much as she could about life. You always had a bright smile, even if you didn't know it, and you helped people feel better about themselves, simply by being you. It is a precious attribute with which many of us struggle. Even if you weren't always fully yourself, your presence was enough. Since your death, I've learned that your light can shine, even when you're going through something. So, don't worry about your light shining or about death. You were a dream to have as a family member. You offset some ones that are still here. I took your youth for granted, thinking to call you but putting it off. Still, I know you lived anyway, and that was what was so great about you. You never stopped living. I guess your spirit knew you had a short amount of time, here, and wanted to get it all in before it ended. I just adored you, and I couldn't hide it when I saw you. You had that effect on people. You've impacted so many people's lives, and it was all good. No one has a bad thing to say about you on Facebook, and there are hundreds of responses to your death. Everyone's in shock, but I hope once the shock subsides that we can all take a piece of the light you've given us and live, live, live!

To take one thing from my experience with you and use it in my own life: be very inquisitive, don't be afraid to ask why when you really want to know something, and know it intrinsically, is the deepest part of it--satisfying your curiosity. You were never afraid to try something new. These things you did well, among many other things. Those other things would have never been known had someone else not said anything or the magazine covers never surfaced. You were that quiet, humble spirit who did the best she could. Your success did not come easy. It was with a lot of hard work and determination. What made it seem easy, though, was that you were doing what you loved and enjoyed, and I guess that's what we can all take from this experience. We cannot deny that you lived your life, Kristal, and, once I was able to calm down myself after hearing the news, I knew that the heavens were ringing their bells and celebrating your arrival. I could almost hear and see it. God gave us a very special angel on earth, but He got back so much more. God bless you, Kristal. We love you....

Yvette

These are the times when you really get to think about life and what's important. Some people don't have that same sensitivity factor, and you just have to keep on living, despite that. It's still about them. Well, I'm sorry. This time is not about you. It's about Kristal and my grief in response to losing her in my life. I am not a superhuman who can do just whatever someone wants just because they need it, and the expectation is so high it can kill you. If it were a different time, it would still be an extremely difficult thing to try and meet someone else's wild demands, but, this time is not for you. And one thing I've learned, since this demand, is that you can kill me in body but not in spirit. This grief time is for me, and I'm going to take it. Nothing else matters, to me, until I can live it out. Otherwise, fear would have prevailed again, and, I refuse to let that happen. It's over. Love......come in.

I love all of you.
Yvette

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life, and that is the truth. I like it that way, for the current moment. I feel like I'm doing something, like alleviating all the other voices in my head to take time to listen to me. I have been feeling a certain kind of way, lately, and I believe this is my opportunity to think a little more clearly on it. So, I'm going to do just that. We all have times, moments, opportunities in our lives to make decisions that will change everything about our current situation, ones that can change even everything about some aspect of ourselves that we thought was true since childhood. It is a remarkable place to be. It is a giving place to be--a gift from God to see who you can be and what you can become. And, so, my prayer for you is that you find a place like this real soon and that you're able to make the decision God wants you to make. And, in praying for you, I do the same for myself. Have a good day!

Love,
Yvette

De-Stressor

Stress! Ugh! It can come in so many forms and people, but, I wrote to talk about another person--the de-stressor in my life.

Now, "de-stressor" is not considered to be a word, but it doesn't take much education to know what it would mean, if it were. A de-stressor is so important to have, and it can come in just as many forms as a stressor. It can come in the form of prayer, meditation, wine--sparingly, you name it--if it works for you, then it's good. Right now, my main de-stressor is my very good friend, Tracy. I don't even have to talk to Tracy to de-stress. Just thinking about him causes me to relax because it's the way he strives to live his life. He doesn't try to boss people around or cause a lot of drama, and if he has a reason to feel angry, he handles it with care, instead of chaos. All Tracy wants to do is be. There may be stressful things happening in his life, but his main purpose is to be--to be loving, kind, spiritual, to be better. He's not perfect, but he is a great human being, and I thank God for placing him in my life. This is an ode to you, Tracy. Thank you for being my anchor of peace in the midst of this storm. I have often thought of you and wanted to just take what you've given me--a sense of stability, letting me know that I am okay the way I am--put it in a bottle and unleash it into whatever situation calls for it. For these things, and so much more, I thank you.

Love,
Yvette

I've been thinking a lot lately, about nothing, really, and I've been wondering about this "nothing" thinking--this thinking that gets me nowhere. How does it affect me? Well, for the most part my thoughts were ones of constant superiority--how this one doesn't do that and how that one does this. But, who cares, really? I've asked myself this question many times. I've also asked the same to others when I found that their thinking was meandering and that I was borderline suicide for having to hear it. Who cares, really? That's a good question--one that we should ask ourselves, often, I believe. This question only pertains to the constant complaining many of us have about what others are doing. If you don't like it, then go, do something else, but if your life is built around the critiquing of other people, then you are in the wrong business. No one's life should be based on what other people are doing and how much someone doesn't like it. I find this way of being to be quite interesting, and I'm guilty of it, too, but who cares really. Who cares if I think this person is doing the wrong thing? Who am I to say? As long as they're not harming themselves or others, then it's none of my business. And if they are harming themselves or others, then why am I complaining and not helping? Each of us has our own journey to trek, and if we're so busy criticizing others, as they take their journey--in abstract ways, then we, certainly, can't be journeying ourselves. I just think we need to mind our own journeys and focus on things that are really important like natural disasters, clear cutting the rain forest, child abuse--and instead of complaining about that, do something about it. People want to sound so intelligent from their seat in front of the television, but what are they doing, really? They're saying, Who cares, really? And those things, to me, are their business--to care for the planet and one another, especially our littlest ones. If you don't care enough to help, then don't say anything. That's all I have to say.

I love you!
Yvette

My Fog--Lifts

I enjoy writing my blog. It gives me hope, and I feel like I can do anything when I express myself through writing. I have been living a lie for a long time. I am not who I am. I am not me. I am someone else--someone who is not me. I am not myself. I lost myself a long time ago, and I miss me. I miss the me that I am. I miss who I am. I miss being myself and loving myself. I miss being true to myself and buying things that represent who I am. I miss working and creating a life for myself. I miss being me and creating a life that starts at day 1 to create the life I couldn't have dreamed of living.

I am there, right now, at the beginning, again. It was hard to start, at first, but I believe God gave me enough distractions to do it without really noticing--a wife, a daughter, family troubles. I'm thankful for that because, otherwise, I may have never done it. I may have never allowed myself to start again, and here I am moving forward and starting again--feeling like life is owed to me because I am alive. It is what life is about. Just being alive gives you the right to life. Yet, being alive and having life are two different things. Being alive and feeling alive are two different things. You are alive when you are not dead. You have life when your energy connected to something bigger than yourself--a purpose. You feel alive when you're glad you woke up this morning. You feel life. I learned that there are various forms of death, even in life. I don't know them all, but I know of one, in particular. One form is in the form of numbness. You feel nothing on the inside. You're numb to emotion, and your head is full of fog, which is so amazing because, literally, as I'm writing this I see fog forming across the grass on the hill behind our house. Ooh, and it's cloudy and you can't see much beyond it. It's clouding my vision of the grass and the bushes. It feels just like it does in my head. It's getting even more foggy as I write this, and it's quite daunting to see how the fog is taking over the scene. Although I want to love the awesome of it, it is a quick reminder of how glaring the fog is in my head--no clarity.

I wish I could have seen the fog rolling into my head, but I guess I'm glad I didn't. I may not have been able to handle it because, in nature, at least, you can't control fog. It's possibly the same thing for us, mentally. I may have gone crazy had I known it was rolling in. Thus, we may not have much control over the fog in our heads. Is it as natural as the fog on the earth? We are connected to the earth, one with the earth, so it's possible.

Does that mean that fog will settle into our minds and leave when the sun starts to shine and burn it off? Does that mean that the sun is coming out soon, for me? Does that mean that I'll be able to see the sun again soon? I believe so, and I'm awe-inspired by it.

Outside, it's getting foggier, and yet, it doesn't feel as overwhelming as when it first rolled in. Maybe because it's meeting the level of fog in my head. I feel, sort of, comforted by it knowing that the sun, which is already out--outside--will burn it off, in time. The fog isn't so daunting, anymore. In fact, it's doing what it does--whatever fog does. I don't understand the purpose of fog, but my 4th, 5th and 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Smith, taught us that fog is a cloud that settles onto the ground. I wasn't so sure about that, but I always remembered it. Yup, Wikipedia just confirmed that it is indeed as Mrs. Smith said. In fact, the fog, when it hits the ground, is only considered fog because it hit the ground. Otherwise, it would still be considered a cloud, if still in the air.

The fog is becoming less dense and then more again. For now, I can see more of the ground and the bushes beyond. Seeing this gives me a real analogy and a new way of viewing things.

The sun has come out, outside, and the fog has disappeared. What a metaphor, what a gift I have been given. I feel almost undeserving, but, instead, I am so grateful.

I love you!
Yvette

How do you know when you're being really honest with yourself? I know that I'm not being really honest with myself, and I'm feeling desperate, almost, to blurt out my honesty. If I could pinpoint one thing that I'm not being truthful about it would be easier, but, at this point in my life, I'm not sure where that truth lies. Look at that, an oxymoron--how ironic.

I am not happy about my relationship with myself. In fact, I hate myself. (I know one person who's not going to be happy to hear that, but hear me out.) I'm stating only something that is true and, I hope, will set me free. I hate myself because I did not listen to myself when I wanted to do my teen magazine--my big dream--and when I didn't give the man I still love a chance. (Hate it or love it.) I hate myself for not trusting myself, and I know that I hate myself because my magazine was called Self Love, which I had a lot of back then--especially when I was in the process of putting together the magazine. It felt good to be doing what I was doing for teens. I just didn't believe in myself, and I'm so angry with myself that the anger has turned to hate. I'm just realizing that what I'm really saying is that I'm not a very understanding and compassionate person. The fact that I could hate myself for making those mistakes and for making choices that took me in directions I didn't want to go, tells me that I'm not very understanding or compassionate. Why should I hate myself for those things when it was, then, that I needed compassion and understanding the most?

I'm a good person to come to for guidance, and, if you're open, I can lead you anywhere you want to go. I'm not proclaiming to be God, but I know how to do it. However, I am spoiled, and I want my way. When things don't go my way, I have a tantrum. I have a problem with being told no. I don't understand the word in its full context. To me, it sounds like, "You're not good enough." I can't stand it, in fact. In discovering that I hate myself, I had to realize something even more scary to admit--that I hate God, too. Now, this may be too much for some people, but I'm being honest. I've found a way to humble myself to prayer and to seek guidance and ask to be of service to Him, but I haven't found a way to let go of Him not letting me walk through the door that I refused to walk through when He first opened it for me, only to want to walk now that I see what it meant for my life. I mean that deep-down dreadful hate that any Apostolic church would love to deliver me from--not that that's a bad idea. Still, this is the truth, and I pray to be set free. So, maybe this is a part of answering my prayer, since even my understanding of God is off.

I don't even have an understanding of God. I guess that's why it's important for parents to have a true relationship with God because, now, I need help. I need prayer. I need to understand how to have a relationship with God--that even when I mess up, He still loves me, unconditionally. I need to learn this so that I can have a great relationship with myself and teach it to my daughter--that's important to me. I need to step up and have a one-on-one conversation with God and calm myself down enough to understand God for who He is. I need to stop running and not be intimidated by who I think He is, and I need to let Him show me who He is. I probably need to do a lot more than that, but I realize I'm growing just by writing this. I just accept His love, all that needing to do is just causing me to put off something I can do, now. So, God, I'm accepting of Your love, even if I'm just saying it so that I can start practicing it. I'm sorry for hating you and for hating myself. Please forgive me. It's the only way I knew how to cope with mistakes.

Now, I'm allowing the Lord in, and I'm honored to have the courage to do that. I'm happy for me!

Love you!
y.

And as my last blog has been sent out, I care about what people will think. Isn't that something?...

Oooh, life has eluded me for so long. My own happiness is determined by my feelings about myself and my connection to God. God is my connect, and yet, I have been disconnected for many, many years.

Taking the advice of others, when I knew the answers, and putting more emphasis and energy on the thoughts of others, rather than my own, has cost me dearly. No one knows better than you. I don't care how old they are. I don't care how smart they are. I've learned that you've got to live your life for you, whether people approve, or not--especially when you're grown. Wow, I'm just getting this.

Now, there are times when the advice of others should be taken wisely. However, when someone offers advice, usually, that's all it is. Even when it has a good dose of wisdom residing in it, the advice itself is not meant to be taken as a command. It's all in the tone. Good advice is meant to be taken as, well, advice--take it, or leave it, even though they pray that you take it--and we know wisdom when we hear it. We know the good stuff versus the stuff that just wreaks of untruth, that which comes from an uncertain, never been there before, place. I believe the best advice comes from those who have been where you are and succeeded and those who have been where you are and failed. Anyone else, for that particular topic, is an amateur, speaking on behalf of fear. I've learned that the hard way, but I'm still here--alive and kicking and will find, and fully live, the goodness that God has for me. So, if you're down and out, worried about what other people think, don't. Stop. God knows best, and if He's brought you this far, then He will lead you all the way. But, you have to seek Him, first, in all ways. After that, all it takes is the skill of listening when He directs you--a skill I'm still learning.

Thank You, God, for directing my path, no matter what people think. You do not worry about what mere mortals will say. You are awesome. You are bold. You are God, and I thank You for being You. It is my honor to serve You, Lord. Amen. :)

I Love You,
Yvette

Be Happy

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There's nothing you can't do
Now, you're in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York

That song has been in my head for the last couple of mornings. It could be because it's played during the opening credits of Sex and the City 2, which I loved, by the way. Anyway, I had to look up the lyrics in order to get everything correct. I knew most of them but had to tweak a few of the words. I'm telling you this because, after searching online for the lyrics and then returning to this blog, I actually feel better. I had other ideas in mind before I left to do my search. I feel better, I guess, that the lyrics are out there for people like me--those who think they know the words but have no idea that they're singing the wrong ones. That's funny, to me. How many times have we done that? Sang the wrong words, sometimes for years? I know I have, and, since becoming an adult, I understand some of the lyrics to old songs and realize, "Hey, that's what they're saying" or "Oooh, that song was nasty" or use context clues to put in the right words. It kind of brings peace to your soul when you sing the right words, even though you didn't know you were singing the wrong ones the whole time.

So, I guess that brings relief, to know that I'm not alone. "You are not alone. I am here for you. Though we're far away, I am here to stay..."--the lyrics to Michael Jackson's "You are Not Alone". You're welcome. Songs pop into my head all the time. Most days I sing them aloud, probably to the angst of my family. Other days, I decide to keep the melodies in my head, recognizing that singing them will not bring any relief but keep me from discovering the truth. On those days, I'm really trying to get to the bottom of what I'm feeling. I need to have more of those days. I forgot about them, actually, and a lot of time has passed in which I've been belting out songs instead of looking within for the truth. That may be a little too deep for some of you, but it's true. As a person who is searching for her truth, it's important to me that I keep those things that are working, well...working, and when I forget what works, I think to myself, "Man, I could have been doing that all along"--and, thus, could've been learning, instead of hiding, all along. Still, it's a process and a good one, one that I'm proud to go back to--the keeping songs inside, part. I just need to find myself in all of this, and when I do, watch out world! I make no apologies for it. I'll just do me--because that's what makes us happy, just doing us. Whether we know it, or not. Whether people told us to, or not. Whether we were told to believe it, or not. Whether we told we were something, or not. You have to be you, in order to be happy.

I love you!
Yvette

Retracking

Please excuse my last blog. It may be a little confusing. People shouldn't drive drunk or drunk dial, I shouldn't write sleepy or sleepy write.

Having said that, I've already prayed and talked to God. I even read the Bible, which I also like to do, at this hour. Reading the Bible is what I left out of my last message and wanted to include. Reading it, especially in the middle of the night, has helped me to find peace and understanding and peace in understanding.

Amen.

Yvette

Melancholy

Doubtful that things will work out, I am awake. It's that kind of awake in the middle of the night in which you're not sure how you even woke up. You're just up and going back to sleep seems like a chore. All of the thoughts in your mind keep you thinking that sleep is an option--one that eludes you because of its necessity and your fear of the unknown. That doesn't make sense, unless you're in my mind, I guess. Convincing myself that I shouldn't be asleep just because I awoke is nothing new, to me. I could, actually, probably, go back to sleep, right now, but the punishment of not sleeping is what I feel I deserve, so sleep becomes this thing that, behind my eyes, my mind won't let me do. Usually, I talk to God before doing anything else. In recent moments, it hasn't worked as well. I'm not saying that talking to God ever results in a non-resolution. God is in my desire to write this blog, right now. It is more of a doing than a talking moment. Those moments when there's nothing left to say, yeah, it's one of those moments. So, I'm here, and I knew that it wasn't very late in the morning. I could tell, and when I got on the computer and noticed the time, I knew something was up--something was on my heart. I'll probably still pray after writing this because I never give up the opportunity to pray when I awaken in the middle of the night. I feel like you can get so much done when you talk to God at that, as someone reminded me, "ungodly hour". Many people awaken at this hour and don't realize the opportunity they have. It is their chance to get down and dirty with God--snot, tears, confessing, being honest, letting go, hoping, dreaming, praying magnificent prayers in the middle of the night. It's what I am about to do, right now.

I love you!
Yvette

A Squashed Bug

I was told I wear my heart on my sleeve and not to do that. I'm not sure if I want to take that advice. Wearing my heart on my sleeve has helped me to be open and sensitive. I've been that way my whole life, and I've been able to maintain my joy for most of my life. I can say that I've had a good--or, dare I say, easy--life, despite some painful things that happened to me. I still had joy and a giggle tickle in my belly. I always felt "kept" by something bigger than myself. It wasn't until I had to make decisions to say "no" to hurt and pain, from childhood--disillusions about myself that I thought were true--that I began to lose tracking and, thus, myself. I lost a lot of my new, and forming, footing because I believed things people said about, and did to, me in childhood. I believed every word I was told as a child--well not every word, I knew I wasn't stupid. Still, I became that child, again, and when it was time for me to step up and step out on faith, fear showed up. Doesn't it always? "But, what if they think I'm ugly? What if they don't think I deserve this? What if they form a clique against me and make fun of me behind my back?" Those things happened, or were said, to me, and they were real, hurt feelings that I still believed as an adult. I was stuck in them, not yet able to identify my real pain. I was stuck in a murky mess of fear and couldn't shake it. Alongside those fears was the unawareness that the decisions I was making had to be my own. I wanted to bring my family with me. I was afraid of losing them. or leaving them, behind, and I was afraid of being without them, but I wouldn't have been doing either. They are always with me, in some form. I am a part of them, and they are a part of me. I was afraid of losing that connection. I didn't think I could do it on my own. I didn't think I could be somebody until it, and my dreams, started to become a reality, and it scared me. I didn't know how, and was too afraid, to face my fears alone. But, now after yesterday, I know, and I know that my life is my life. That used to sound selfish, to me, but I owe it to myself to live it. I owe it to that little girl who was hurt all those years. She is my deserving factor. Life is my deserving factor, and I need nothing else. Now, having said this, I feel the need to retreat and hide again, as if someone is going to be watching my every move to see if I fail, but that is only fear, which has no place in my decision to be me.

I woke up, this morning, realizing that I was feeling some kind of way. I didn't own that fear anymore, like I had in the past. I wanted to learn from it. I became tired of feeling the same fear, and having the same experiences, over and over again. I have, yet, to realize that not everything is for everybody--even a reaction. Wearing my heart on my sleeve keeps me in tune with my feelings and with the needs, and feelings, of others, and I need that to be who I am. What I'm learning, though, is to be myself, no matter what. I don't need to be the ugly duckling or the one who, clumsily, puts herself out there in order to be made fun of. I realize that the pain has already happened. It won't happen again. One of my favorite lines is from the movie, "One Hour Photo". , "The things that we fear most have already happened to us." Robin Williams plays a man who works at a photo shop in a drug store and becomes obsessed with photos of a family. At one point, he says this, unexpectedly, poignant line, which always stuck with me. I wondered if it was true. My fear had been that those things would creep up again, that I was still that little girl. Now, I know that I'm not that little girl, anymore, and that she will always be a part of me, but her role is to guide me to the joys in life. She knows more than I think she knows and can be trusted with my heart. So, I don't know if I want to walk around with my heart only on the inside. I think I want to wear it on the outside, too, all the while being more cautious about when to put it away for safe-keeping.

This just occurred to me that this is about forgiveness. If I'm able to forgive those people, then I can move on. Forgiveness has been a challenge for me because I hurt so deeply. Still, it is something I must do, even if it's in saying Yes to the no's of my past.

I love you,
:) Yvette

Untitled

Closing off doors
Holding hands
Crying out loud
Taking a stand

Saying, "Hallelujah!"
Jumping to shout
Isn't this what life is all about?

Scrambling for work
Looking for fun
Making it happen
'Til it's all said and done

Being afraid
Being unsure
Teaching your loved ones how to endure

What is this thing?
This thing that we're in?
When do we let life finally begin?

Why do we stop?
Where do we begin
To let the world know
We're in it again?

- Yvette M. Curtis-Brown

A New Beginning...

Good Morning. I've decided that I'm going to take this blog seriously. Not that my previous posts haven't been, but my desire to do more is working its way to the surface, and I believe this is just the beginning. So, I'm going to write a message everyday. I'm not sure how this will help, or where it will lead, but I'm sure it's leading to greater things. So, I hope you enjoy and thanks for your support.

:)

Love,
Yvette

A Ha Ha!

Kelly Ripa, from Live with Regis & Kelly, just read an email that I sent to Regis Philbin LIVE on national TV!!!!!

Here's my email: Hey Regis, Do you know that you've been one of the top 10 most searched people on Yahoo, all weekend, because of your clot!!

I want to thank all of you who've commented and supported this blog. The comments are not seen on the blog because they come via email or facebook. Thank you to all who have supported me. I really appreciate it. :)

I regret my last posting...

Enough with the self-loathing, already! Whatever people are going to think of me, they are going to think. I'm referring to one person who probably has no idea I'm referring to her.

I care way too much about what she thinks, as if her opinion is right. And even if her opinion is justified, without her knowing all the facts, her conclusions are normally false or misrepresented by what she sees, only. Why don't I care what I think? I'm having these self-deprecating, defeating thoughts, and it's only because I can think of them. I've been told to pray, but when you have such thoughts, a good, soulful prayer can be challenging to come by because of the lack of humility.

I was about to publicly shame myself, which is something Oprah said she realized she did in her decision to expose her feelings about herself and her battle with weight on her January 2009 cover. It was a lesson for her not to do that again. I, too, will take that lesson, Oprah. Thank you. All I can is say that I made mistakes, and I wish I hadn't, but they happened. Am I going to punish myself for the rest of my life, like I had planned? No. I believe the Universe is trying to get me to stop doing that. I'm running out of options, and thus, it's teaching me that I don't have to to punish myself for my mistakes and that life has a way of working itself out. I guess I'm embarrassed about what this person sees, and I feel judged by it, knowing that what she sees will be made known to someone.

Still, I cannot hide, I guess, and maybe that is the purpose of her being in my life--to not let me hide. So, I'm thankful for her, and I pray that whatever is exposed, whether it's within my control, or not, is dismantled and, if necessary, put back together in a way that exposes my real truth--the one that says it's okay to be me, no matter what.

Now, there--a prayer. :)

Amen.

I love you.
Yvette

I wanted to delete my last post because I didn't want any negative thoughts or comments to affect my calling, but, since it's already out there, in email form, now, I pray that "the calling" filters through any negative thoughts that may surface.

The Calling...

Calling my life, to me.

Calling my magazine into my life, into existence.

Calling all teenage girls who are meant to be connected to me through the magazine, into my life.

Calling God's peace, grace, mercy and love into my life.

Calling God's will into my life.

Calling my authentic life and self into existence.

Calling pure happiness and joy into my spirit and into my life.

Calling love, peace and joy into my spirit.

Calling me into my body.

Calling me to life.

An Awakening...

So, what do you write about when you have so many things on your mind? I'm walking around in a dizzy daze. I don't even recognize the me I used to not recognize after I stopped recognizing me. I think I just stopped looking in the mirror, but no one can be blamed for any of this, but me. And sometimes I'm quite misogynistic and good at rebuking all of the goodness inside of me, so I'm staying away from that. What in the world do you do when you have all the questions in the world but the answers seem vague or non-existent? I have been trying to please many people for a long time, almost everyone. In fact, I can't remember a person I haven't tried to please. It's exhausting. My mind revolves around other people and not me. This is startling, to me, that I'm even admitting it, but, as they say, the truth shall set you free. I'm feeling freer already! I mean, my entire life revolves around what other people think. I know, at first I said that just my mind revolves around what other people think, but I realize it's my entire life. I would not be living this life if I did not care what other people thought. What life would I be living, you ask? Well, I'd be running my own magazine company. I'd have two children. I don't know what else, which, also, is freeing to admit.

Nine days later...

Now, the interesting thing about the above words is that I don't feel that way at all, today. I had planned to come back and just finish what I'd started nine days ago. Although I'm finishing what I started, it's in a different way than I expected. I believe I have grown out of my people-pleasing status, a little, since I wrote the above message. I guess growth is slow-coming for me, right now. I honestly cannot believe that what I've read above is so not where I am, today. That's a reason to give thanks.

I also realize that where I am today will not be where I may be a few days from now. In fact, I believe I'll be in a much better space. I've believed myself to this space, and I know that to be true because, as I believe myself into a better space, I see myself being in that better space. And it all comes down to timing, doesn't it? I mean, the time has come for me to believe something different about myself. Speaking of which, I had this very interesting conversation that spilled over into a conversation with another person. It became a three-some. I realized that my core belief about myself is that I'm ugly. That's it. Point blank. Knowing this I, actually, felt like I could do something about it. With another person now present, we continued our conversation about my core belief, and what this person said struck me to the core. (Wow, that was kind of deep). She said, "Now you know how the Universe works. What you believe will come back to you. And so if you believe that you are ugly, you will attract ugly things to you." Well, child, I have attracted enough ugly things to me to believe her. Even if I've heard this idea thirty times before. This time, it stuck. I didn't want to attract anymore ugliness to me. I was tired of ugly. I believe that the Universe doesn't let bad things happen to hurt you but to help you to realize that what you believe is not who, or what, you really are. If you get enough ugliness thrown at you, you will surrender, which is what I did.

I've learned that another form of surrendering is getting to the point where you're tired of defending your actions, which you don't even understand, and so you come clean and honest about yourself. This is how I allowed myself to reveal my core belief. I got tired of feeling ugly inside. So, now, I have to work on changing that, which can be fun if I allow it. I'll explain more about that later. First, I have to live it. :)

This is where I am, now, and although there's a lot of work to be done, I look forward to it. Just remember, how you feel about you is not your authentic truth unless it absolutely resonates with you, beautifully, on the inside.

And five days later, still...

That "warm, fuzzy feeling inside". I just heard that expressed in a commercial. Where did my warm, fuzzy feeling go? Where did I go? The last time I had that feeling was when God made a promise to me about something. I felt all warm inside, and I loved it. It was definitely a promise in which I got in the way. So, now what? Since there's no warm, fuzzy feeling anywhere in my current life, now what? Are these feelings ones to chase, or do they just show up, one day, after you've made several good decisions for yourself? I really don't know the answer. I was blessed to have those great feelings, within, despite my painful past. And, now, I guess my past has caught up with me because I couldn't pay to get a warm, fuzzy feeling within. So, this tells me something's wrong within. I mean, my external circumstances are not ideal, and I, often wonder why I made the recent choices I made, but I realize that this less than ideal situation is causing me to find the strength within. The funny thing I know is the strength is there, I just have to pull it out with thoughts that will change my life. I look forward to my life changing. My recent prayer to God has been that He change me from the inside out. I don't like who I've become. I was a nice, progressive young lady who was smart and on her way to something great. I knew it but didn't know how to capture, or seize, the moment. Nevertheless, life is still available to me and I'm still here--growing smarter and wiser than before. So, let the good times roll when they do. For now, I'll just listen to my heart, and to God, and wait.

I hope you're doing well.

Love,
Yvette

Ooh! I just had that warm, fuzzy feeling when I typed "still" in my introduction for "And five days later, still..." : )

Silence in the Hope of Silence

(Very early in the morning, I publish these to you)


A Quiet Torn

Feelings of loneliness, sadness

Grind within me,

Not knowing what else to do

I shine my teeth.

Grieving on the inside

For the me I used to be

Wondering how I got here

And wondering if I'll ever be

(Loving, personable, kind, refreshingly)

The person I was truly

And really meant to be.

- Yvette M. Curtis-Brown

-----------------------------------
Another One

I don't know what else to do

But to smile back at you

Wondering who

You think I am

When you see me

Smile at you.

- Yvette

-----------------------------------
Not Knowing

Kind of caught up in the crowd

Looking at you from a distance

I grin

On the inside, I shiver

My mind shifts to the good times

And I could only count them if I had the time

Your sublime reminds me of a pasttime

When life was good and sweet

And mellow and yellow

And truly drumming to its own beat

I hardly wait for you to come see me

I see you in the heart of me

And I cannot wait to say "Hello" to you.

- Yvette

-----------------------------------
Very Personal

She shines

She's spiritually entwined with me

Her name is Wynter

And I love her

She is my spirit rising up to the occasion

Who am I when she sees me, I wonder

This person to whom she's entrusted her spirit

A heavy-duty task

For me

But one that I hold dearly--

In helping me to grow

I even love her dissidence

This baby girl, to me,

Is truly Heaven-sent.

I love you, Wynter.

Mommy

- Yvette to the rest : )

----------------------------------
The Horizon

Sometimes, when I look and see you
I smile
I smile at who we were meant to be
Th diligent two
Getting things done
Focused on being number one
For ourselves and each other--
The love we have
Pales in comparison
To the greats of yesteryear
So sweet, my Dear,
To have met you
Sweet melodies dance in my head
Of you in my dreams
Singing praises of love
And truth and you
And you and truth
And the you and me above.

- Yvette
-----------------------------------
To My Husband

Caressing long nights of kisses and hugs
Sent directly from above
God has sent me to you
To prove your love really works.
What a joy to know you
In the long run!
You are a truly special one.
A man of integrity
And that's hard to find.
You are truly one of a kind.
Golden sheets and golden nuggets
Fill your spirit.
Your specialness and kindness
Are truly legit
I have to say that you are
The ishnit.

Your Wife,
Yvette

With LOVE!

Aaarrggh! Ugg! (Not the brand, the emotion!) What is a girl to do with all of her emotions? I mean, I am PMS-ing, for those of you fellas who really wanted to know! But, this is just too much. What about when you feel like you carry all the weight of the world on your shoulders? When you're around a bunch of sensitive men who can dish it but can't take it? It's so annoying. I'm tired of sparing the feelings of men. Who cares?! I have too many other things to concentrate on than to worry about the well-being of a man. What about my own well-being? I am so sick of this! Frustrated at the least.

And why don't some men like to help one another? Is it because they fear they won't benefit from that man's success or happiness? That they only benefit when the man is down? I love men, but only the really smart and secure ones, at this point. I mean, come on, men! What is up with you and your insecurities? Get it together! You don't know what we, as women, go through. And I'm not complaining because I'm glad to be a woman. If I was a man, I don't know what I would do. (I was just thinking that the other day--how much depth we have, Women.) You guys don't seem to have much depth--at least, most of you don't know what or where it is. There are exceptions, and I'm proud to say I know a couple of men who are sincere in their efforts to get close to God and to love one another despite it all. Still, for the rest of you, When does gratitude turn into low self-esteem, low confidence, low expectations? In other words, How grateful do I have to be before I can say something? You know, start complaining?

I mean, I have things on my mind, and the more I hold them in, the more I feel stressed. So, how do I say this nicely?

No. I cannot do anything for you that you want me to do when you want me to do it because I am not God.

No. I will not listen to everything you have to say and then when it's my turn you are no longer interested.

No. I will not deal with you and your impatience anymore. If you can't wait, well, that's too bad.

No. I am not going to argue with you over foolishness. That's just too much.

No. You cannot take away from family time just because you need something done. I need to set some boundaries. Up, Up Up, they go!

No. You cannot talk to me any way you want just because that's how you feel. If I did it every time I felt it, then you wouldn't be able to stand yourself.

So, why should I not be able to stand myself for you? Why should I dumb myself down for you? Keep quiet for you? Who are you? You're not my dictator. (My father, by the way, who lost dictatorship privileges 18 years ago is one of the men to whom I'm writing but who won't be reading this.) You are my family! ACT LIKE IT!! Act like you love me!! I love you. I truly do. I love you, love you, love you with all my heart. But, you're not going to break it anymore. You don't own that right. You own the right to love me, and I own the right to love you. Love is love. Give it. Love is love. Show it. Not instant "I gotta get something for Christmas" love or "I gotta find out what's going on or else I am not benefiting" love or "I got something to say but I'm not going to say anything for fear of being shut out" love. How about some "I'm going to love you for who you are and that's it, no strings attached. No, really, no strings." love? Show love, real love. Just pure, authentic, truthful love. And I certainly can't expect those things from you if I have problems loving me. I have to be honest, I've shown, "I don't really like you. In fact, I can't stand you, but I tolerate you because you're family" love. Woosah! And I apologize to anyone who may have felt that kind of love, from me, because I love you; I really do, and I am going to do better, from here--on out, but don't hold it against me if I fall off the wagon because I'm not perfect. It's a work in progress--a new way of living, and I have to adjust to it.

So, here are my promises to you:

Yes. I promise to love you, even if I have to love you at a distance.

Yes. I promise to support you in anything that makes you happy.

That's all I can promise, for now. It's a start. I think it's a good start, and I'm proud of myself for coming up with them.

I hope that our relationship becomes better, from here--on out. I believe it will because I'm committed to it.

I Love You!

Yvette

(Of course, my question, along with many women's, is in reference to those really smart and secure men. Does a man like that really exist? And I say, Yes, they do, Ladies. Somewhere inside all of them, he exists.)