Hallelujah!

"Depression is Anger turned Inward." This is actually a quote from my Pastor. He said it on Sunday, and I haven't looked at depression in the same way since. It doesn't have the same mystery that it used to now that I understand it in that way. The "turned inward" part helps me to know that I have the power to do something about it. Just wanted to share that with you...

Sometimes, we just don't know what life is going to throw at us, and when we get a curve ball, we often get offended or we deny that it ever existed in the first place. I have had some challenges, recently--ones to help me grow. I hope I've been up to these challenges because, quite frankly, they've been exhausting. When you know what you want in your life and you ask so many people their opinion that your own gets lost, you have a tendency to become angry and turn inward. I've done that on more than several occasions and have ended up being seen as confused, not really knowing what I want and not really understanding how life works. I get how life works, and I know what I want, but when you don't trust yourself and you seek the consultation of others, the way your life works becomes lost and caught up in uncertainty. I've entrusted my biggest dreams and deepest thoughts to others, without taking into consideration what I thought and how checking in with others for advice might affect me. That wasn't important to me. It was about instant gratification, and if I could find someone who would tell me something--true or not--I would take it, analyze it and find a way to fit it into the equation. Now, the life I'm living is not my own. It is a life built upon the ideals, principles, beliefs and thoughts of those from whom I've sought advice. With all of my wisdom, I have fallen into the trap of self-doubt and external approval. I am not happy with where my life is, right now. I know that I've been way more capable than what I've displayed, and seeking the advice of others was not out of necessity but out of mistrust of my own self.

So, what does one do when they look at their life and they see that it is not what they had envisioned, planned, thought, or hoped for? Well, for one thing, I believe that you have to know where you are, first. If you are in misery--for whatever reason--you have to find a way to make it better or you have to find a way out. And although there are many options in the world, this is not a time when the multitudes really apply. In order for me or anyone to find his or her way out of their own sheltered, boxed-in world, we have to find a way out. Now, I know I said, a little earlier, that, either, we have to find a way to make it better or a way out and that still holds true. However, in the very space that we're in--where we may have cramped ourselves into tiny places--in order to make it better, we still have to make a way out. Now, when I mentioned "out" earlier, I meant in the larger context/scheme of things. You must find a way to your own true happiness, and if leaving a situation is the answer, for you, then you must take that route. However, before you can even leave, you have to give yourself the space--the leeway--to attract something new into your life. Prayer works, for me. Talking to persons who inspire me to change, who really understand me and will tell me the truth is another way. Writing is another. But, prayer is the way. Right now, I have this desire to grow and to learn from my mistakes. Thank God! I never thought I would get here, but I guess making choices--like getting married--has forced me to take my life more seriously because there's nothing more miserable than an all-out, blown-out argument in a marriage. It makes me want to find a better part of me, a part of me that will handle the situation better the next time.

I like to believe that I am a good person who has made some choices that have yet to bring out the best in me. I'm learning them through mistakes. Still, I have my blog--my ability to express--which allows me to feel good that I'm putting something out there. I really appreciate those of you who read it. You never know how good something will feel until you try it. I can speak to that testament. Random people mentioned blogging to me for quite some time, now, and I've made excuses and have been hesitant in all types of ways. However, when life got too sticky for me, I rushed to this outlet to let out those feelings that were bottled up. The response has been good, and I'm grateful. I just hope that as we learn, we teach one another through our respective outlets so that no one gets left behind. I know that I want others to come aboard and get some of this good stuff--forget everything else.

Love,
Yvette