To give you a brief background on me. I was born in Brooklyn, NY but moved to Baltimore, MD, with my family, when I was about two years old. I lived with my mom and my two brothers who are 15 and 17 years older than I. By the time they both moved out, I was about four, and it was just my mom and me. Although I had two siblings, I felt as if I were the only child. It was the best of both worlds, to me. I didn't have to fight over toys or anything most kids fight about, but I had two brothers who were there for me, when I needed them.
My mom was a perfectionist, and she needed to make sure that I represented her in the best possible light--that I did not embarrass her. It was a rough childhood due to that expectation to be who she wanted me to be. As a child, I had my own desire and excitement to learn from my experiences. It created a great amount of stress and chaos in our relationship from about the age of four. It was also confusing because perfectionists, who use the trait to change others, often change their minds about what they want based on their own needs. I grew up with perfectionistic issues and felt inadequate most of the time. However, I was able to maintain high spirits and joy within myself. I was still willing to grow. I didn't recognize myself as a perfectionist, and I was happy to be me. I was taught that I did not make mistakes, and that it didn't matter if others made mistakes, I was not to make any. That gave me a superiority complex to go along with the already inferiority complex I had developed. Still, I was able to carry on, until my late 20's, without fear. At that time, I knew what I wanted and I followed, until my issues caught up with me.
So, what happened? The perfectionistic ideals that I grew up with began to sprout, and I didn't want the life that was showing up before me. I never thought about being married until I lost the opportunity to be married to what felt like the perfect man for me. I didn't listen to myself. I was listening to others who were being superficial. So, I blew it. I allowed others to convince me not to do what I knew in my heart to do--move forward with this man even though he didn't have what I thought would make the ideal husband. He wasn't perfect enough, and so I said no to the possibility. The husband I thought I wanted didn't show up--his look wasn't what I had in mind.--and, eventually, he moved on. Nor did the magazine show up the way I wanted. I had this dream to start a teen magazine. It was good. It was relevant. It had attitude and quality that unlike any other magazine on the newsstand. And I had confidence, but I was afraid--afraid of being rejected by someone who had the power to say no to something I wanted to do so badly--there's that inferiority complex. I actually had to ask for help! Something I was not used to doing. I am still angry over my choices. I was very unhappy with my life because of the choices I made and didn't make. I wished I could have done better at the moment or could do them over. I regretted not being who I was, even now. Although I don't pretend to know anything about him, I kind of understand Michael Jackson--why and how he suffered. I still punish myself and feel punished for being the kind of person I was when I made those choices I made.
Michael Jackson was a living icon, to me. He wasn't someone whom I thought would die so soon. I feel as if I've taken his life for granted, in that way. I loved Michael Jackson. I had a quiet love for him--one of the very few persons whom I did not judge. I understood him, in a way. I wish I could have been more compassionate with family and friends in the same way that I had been for Michael. I wish I could have given myself--at least--the chance to know him by following my dreams a long time ago. Now is the time, however, for me to learn some things about my own life in the way I let Michael Jackson just be--without judgment. I am very hard on people, thinking that they should be the way I want them to be. However as hard as I am on others, I am harder on myself. I have this need to be perfect--a demand for perfection. And I need to turn it into something positive. It is definitely a curse to want to be perfect because none of us ever quite reach perfection. A former friend of mine said that we should not strive for perfection but for excellence. Excellence doesn't have quite the same ring to me, but I believe excellence is perfection at its best. My mind has been circled around my self, and it has caused me to grieve over the life I could have been living. I grieved over the things I've lost because I was unforgiving of myself for making mistakes. Lacking the wisdom and the willingness to forgive myself--and being a perfectionist while making the mistakes I made--killed who I was. I died with every negative comment I made, and the ones I heard, about me. I have the desire to build up people, and I know the impact of being torn down--telling people your dreams and their response being that you cannot accomplish your dreams the way you want. I didn't know anything about having a dream until I had one. I also didn't know anything about sharing--or not sharing--my dream with others.
I thought everyone would be happy for me. Most were, as long as I was doing it in a way that made sense to them. Others, although only a few, just didn't believe in it at all. So, where did that leave me? Carrying the dream all by myself? Those who were trying to tell me how to fulfill my dream may have had my best interest at heart, but they really didn't know what they were talking about. It didn't feel like love. It felt more like criticism. Now, I have to start from scratch, which is cool. As long as I'm starting, I figure that could be nothing but a good thing. So, after writing all of this, what am I really saying? Don't listen to other people if it doesn't go with your internal beliefs. If you believe that you can make your dreams happen, then do it in the way that you know how. Don't let others interfere because, usually, those are the very persons who have no dream--or no faith--to follow anyway. And if you know no one who has fulfilled their dream, then you be the trailblazer. You set the path and watch those very Nay Sayers follow. They'll be happy to hear what you have to say, then.
Yvette
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