I'm feeling kind of down today. I guess I have the baby blues. I've been around Wynter--my daughter--for two months straight, already. I know two months is not as long as 18 years or more, but it is long for a new mom--at least, for me. You have a lot of demands that mainly come from the baby, and it's challenging to get things done. I'm not complaining. I am expressing what I'm sure many other new moms have felt. So, instead of bottling it in, I'm sharing. I have many demands on me, as most of us do, and I'm glad that Internet blogging exists so that I can let it out. I am a happy woman somewhere deep inside, but there is little outside that I see as happy.
I want to be all that I can be for my daughter, and I believe that sometimes the pressures of new motherhood get in the way. Am I doing this the right way? What's that on her skin? In her hair? What should I be doing with her at this stage? Is she going to be advanced? Is she going to be smart? If she's neither, will it be my fault? What if I miss out on her calling? What if I'm not living in the present enough? How much does her parents' intelligence play into her own level?
Okay, to you this may seem crazy, and it is. However, to a new mom with all the pressures of today you question these things, and it's not really what you wonder that can make you crazy. What can make you crazy is the number of times these questions can float through your mind, and they may no longer float but that can indeed become stuck. They've stuck themselves to all the other insecurities "not floating around" in my head. I am in trouble. I need help, and I'm glad to know that I have something like my blog to express my pains and doubts and fears and soul-filled insights. I am grateful for that! So, for all of you who aren't parents yet, be free knowing that, whatever your thoughts, they could very well have been had by your friends, neighbors, co-workers and even your parents. I'm just starting out, and I see my mom in a different light already. I love her! I mean, she had her moments when she could have possibly made other decisions. Who hasn't had the opportunity to make a better decision and didn't do it? I know I've had plenty. I'm not even sure if I could have been a single mom raising just the one--me. So, hats off to you mom and to all the other parents who took on the responsibility of parenthood without running. My dad ran and is still running, but, my mom, she hung in there and I love her for that!
I pray that I can be there for my daughter and that I can be present. With all the stuff that's going on in my life right now, it feels almost impossible for me to remain present. People will say that I have to be present. Okay, tell that to my mind with all the questions above plus the other fifty-million thoughts going through it. That's why I see this as a process. I know the learning will come. In fact, I'm learning now. My fear of failure is just that, fear. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes that fear feels so real that I can almost see it and touch it. I can believe every ounce of it. Yet, at moments like this, when I allow myself to step away from my thoughts, I'm able to see that I'm really okay. My love is there, for real. I'm learning and so are you. I just take it as part of the lesson--one for which I'm so very grateful to be having.
Love,
Yvette
No comments:
Post a Comment