No More Selfish Agenda, Please

I am so sick of the “business as usual” attitude in Washington politics. Don’t they know that it is a privilege to hold the seats they fill? I am tired--really tired--of everybody wanting to be right and no one wanting to work together. Sarah Palin is the newest one, again, who seems to be ranting about everything and not saying anything. Everyone is anxious to get to 2017 to push their agenda. Well, I’m not. Washington is full of spoiled folk who want to be seen and heard. But, what about the American citizens who matter more than your point of view, who need you to get the work done in Washington? What about those who need to see the country come together, starting with those who are supposed to be running the country? What if the politicians in DC stop doing politics as usual, taking the focus off themselves and their small worlds, and look at the big picture that is our country--the real world? You are not there to fulfill your own agenda, to take money from lobbyists who have their own motives. Your agenda is to run the country in fairness and equality—to make sure that everyone has an equal opportunity towards life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I am so sick of it. Your attitudes are self-righteous and unhelpful. Stop trying to fill the seat of the Presidency and Congress with your “ideas” and start filling those seats with the hearts of willing citizens who really believe in public service. I am so sick of the “business as usual” attitude in Washington politics. Don’t they know that it is a privilege to hold the seats they fill? I am tired--really tired--of everybody wanting to be right and no one wanting to work together. Sarah Palin is the newest one, again, who seems to be ranting about everything and not saying anything. Everyone is anxious to get to 2017 to push their agenda. Well, I’m not. Washington is full of spoiled folk who want to be seen and heard. But, what about the American citizens who matter more than your point of view, who need you to get the work done in Washington? What about those who need to see the country come together, starting with those who are supposed to be running the country? What if the politicians in DC stop doing politics as usual, taking the focus off themselves and their small worlds, and look at the big picture that is our country--the real world? You are not there to fulfill your own agenda, to take money from lobbyists who have their own motives. Your agenda is to run the country in fairness and equality—to make sure that everyone has an equal opportunity towards life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I am so sick of it. Your attitudes are self-righteous and unhelpful. Stop trying to fill the seat of the Presidency and Congress with your “ideas” and start filling those seats with the hearts of willing citizens who really believe in public service. Your job is to not just run the country the way you want to see it or even just that of your constituents, but to have an open-minded, open-hearted, truthful view of this country and its needs. Let’s get back to real business of how to make sure every child gets an equal and excellent education, to make sure our senior citizens are taken care of and to help those in poverty who have no idea how to catch a break in this self-centered society we've created. Justifying selfishness through "do-it-yourself" protocol plagues our country. Some people don’t know how to do it themselves. We need to change our views, change our agenda, change our hearts, and then and only then, can we change the world. It begins within.

An Unexpected Lesson!

This was an email that I sent someone after I had a minor meltdown. I learned how to beat myself up, no matter what, and in this instance the addiction to it became quite relevant and quite clear... This email was sent after our conversation and after we hung up from me not getting the response I wanted:

What I learned is that I had little faith that God could bring me out and take me into a much greater, much better, more blessed place in my life. My faith was proven that I believed, truly, that this was all that God was capable of accomplishing for me, mainly due to my belief that this is all I deserve. So, my faith is tied up in my self-worth. Low self-worth, low faith. This is what I have discovered. I have to increase my self-worth, and I will because God has shown me how to do so. Just believe in more. It's okay to want more. It doesn't mean you're not grateful for what you have, but to strive for more says that you know you're capable of doing more, of being more and of saying more and so you will not allow your circumstances to define who you are when you know you're more.

Thanks for being a lesson as an unwilling participant in my need to justify my means. : )

I love you!
Yvette

It's one thing to say God has a plan, it's another thing to believe it.

I Can

I am having some very interesting experiences in this spiritual place, right now. I feel hollowed out, and I just want you to know that it is a great feeling being empty inside. I'm not talking about feeling empty, which has to do with self-worth and value. I'm mean being empty, which has to do with having been turned upside-down and forcing all that's inside of you outside. These things that were inside of me had nothing to do with who I was. I was filled up with needlessness, things that didn't matter. I didn't have a clue who I was, anymore. I was lost, and although I'm not sure where I am right now, I do know that I have been found. I've been found and emptied of all the trash and debris that was inside of me. I'm being worked on in the factory, and things are beginning to change for me. In the not-too-distant past, my prayer was for God to change me. I got tired of praying and complaining about the mishaps and shortcomings of others, and I decided that the only way I would see change is if it were through my eyes. I didn't realize until later that I wanted to see others with compassionate and patient eyes, instead of disappointment. Once startled out of the fear of what change could bring, I was able to accept the revelation of change. I was able to see me for me. I didn't have to pay a price to see me, anymore. I was selling myself off bit by bit. Now, I didn't have to pay a price of compromise or consequence or spreading myself too thin or guarded walls or insecurity or doubt or the biggest price of all, fear. I feared a lot, and I do still deal with fear, but I don't let it consume me. For instance, if I fall prey to it, I no longer let it overwhelm me and take me over. Instead, I just accept it and move onto the next thing. I know a lot of you have been able to deal with fear a little better than me for a long time now, but I'm just learning to accept that fear is a part of life and that it doesn't mean I can't do something when it shows up. In fact, now, its mere presence means to me that I can.

With love,
Yvette

I was going to listen to, what I call, Steve Harvey's Inspirational Vitamin, this morning. However, as much as I think that Steve has become a great man with a great message, I felt torn. I was wondering why I felt this way and began to have a conversation with God. I mentioned to God that I wanted to listen to Steve, but that I felt the experience he would be sharing may have been just as significant as the one I was having at that moment and that I didn't need to hear his when I was having my own. Just moments earlier, I began to have a series of experiences that would allow me to see myself and life differently, and I realized some things that, I felt, were very important--revelations that I had never thought before. While it was approaching the time to listen to Steve Harvey, I began to feel that I wanted to listen to him. At the same time, I wanted to stay in my own experience. As I was speaking with God about this, I asked myself, "What is your inspirational vitamin, for today?" This was a wow moment, for me because I realized I had one, based on the series of experiences I had from my morning dreams, just before I awoke to my prayers to God. I wasn't sure if I wanted to journal it or blog it. Well, I guess it's obvious what I decided to do, so here goes...

I woke up from a series of healing dreams that led to very powerful affirmations, this morning. My dreams consisted of experiences that paralleled the feelings and experiences I was having in real life. Those experiences, however, were healed by the postive messages those dreams produced. Once I awoke and found that I had some alone time, I began to positively affirm myself through self-empowering messages all relayed directly to God. It was a good thing, for me. I was affirming myself to the Almighty and not to anyone else, and by affirming myself to Him, I was affirming who I was, to me. I learned that my definition of who I am comes from no one but God. I don't need to ask anyone else. I already have it with God. By positively affirming myself with God, I was able to speak some very positive and extensive words into the atmosphere that extended beyond me but also involved my offspring. I'm very excited to have been able to do this because it opened up whole new opportunities for us to live the lives we were meant to live. I have such gratitude for that.

A very good friend of mine would remind me to ask for guidance and wisdom. At first, I was upset with her suggesting it because I knew doing so would bring about something I didn't want. However, once I did, it went beyond wanting, and not wanting, and into a realm of willingness, on my part. Not only did I ask for guidance and wisdom, I listened when they showed up, and although I didn't listen to one feeling, recently, I realized the lesson and hopped back on the journey. I let the experience teach me.

The only thing I can suggest to you is that you allow (something another good friend of mine suggested, years ago, and I just began doing). I allowed without fuss, without long stories, without confusion. I just did what God told me to do, and I suggest you do the same. No matter what it is, when you hear it, make the attempt to say, "Okay, God, I hear you. I'll do it, but you have to lead me. Show me the way because I have no idea what you're talking about." And He will. He will lead the way, but you have to be quiet enough inside to just take the information as it comes without analyzation but, instead, with purpose in mind. He will continue to put inside (or bring up and out) of you all the information you need to follow His lead. Patience is a must and trust is another. It takes time and the faith that you're being led to the place where God lives in you. That's all it takes is time and faith, which will produce love.

I love you! Mwwwah!!
Yvette

Soul-lace

Silence roaming quickly through my belly
As I reach down into my soul to find peace
I relish in the thought that the spirit can soar again
Nothing can make sense while you're struggling to find yourself
The only thing you can do is be rescued.

Yvette

Vision

Nothing has come easy over the last ten years. I was convinced I was done, kaput with the work of God. I figured I was destined to roam the earth until God decided I had roamed enough and that it was time to for me to come home, anyhow. I was determined to live out the death sentence that I knew was placed upon me, and I wasn't sure how I was going to survive on earth until that culminating day when I would be taken up with God in shame, instead of approval.

I just knew I had ruined the whole thing, this whole life experience and the work God put me on this planet to do. I was scorned by the thought of teenagers whose lives ended by their own hands because of my lack of involvement. I scolded myself in deep-seeded thoughts of missed opportunities and uncertainties of the future that God had for me. I was a mess, lost in chaos and wallowing in the deepest of self-pities. I was confused and very much unlike myself. I began to hate myself and to feel that I had lost everything, even life itself. I was a mortal shadow of life, and I existed only because God had decided not to kill me. I hadn't suffered enough. As I struggled with defeat, I thought that God was a tormentor when you didn't listen to the call He put upon your life, no matter how big or small. The call could be an inkling, just out of the blue to go to a store you've never been to before, or it could be something much bigger than that--much bigger than you--and it was for me.

Now, I use the word "was", but it is only suggestive. My "was" has become my is, as my past aligns itself with my future. I just knew I was going to live this parallel life, forever, never seeing the light of day, which are my dreams. I expected to live one life, all the while looking at the life I should be living and never seeing my life realign itself to whatever was meant to be. I had come to the very brink of myself and of what I could do for me, and now it was God's turn. It was God's time to take over and completely direct my life. I was afraid of that removal of me because, for one, I didn't know God knew I existed, even. It was a shock, and I completely choked! Oh my, did I choke! It was utter disappointment, for me, to not follow what I, instinctively, knew to do. It was upsetting for me to, not only let down myself, but also to let down others, when they didn't even know the reason for the letdown. All they knew was, as so many people put it, I up and quit my job (which is what I felt I had to do in order to pursue the next level of my life). To them, I didn't want to work, anymore. I disappointed them, as well. I was on the rise, and all of a sudden, I had none of that which I had not long ago. I felt like a drug addict, in their eyes--like I had it all, only to become addicted to a drug and let my life fall apart. Before their eyes, their dreams for me crumbled, and my dreams for me crumbled before mine. I didn't even know what my dreams were, until the day I had a vision. Whew, what a vision can do for you.

I already had a dream, but I began to have a vision, which at the time, I had never even heard the word "vision" used in a manner of purpose, and "dream", although I knew what it meant to have a dream, the people I knew never referred to it as anything more than a sleep pattern. Dreams were considered far-fetched, unrealistic and unattainable. As far as "vision" was concerned, for me, it was the word my optometrist used to describe my eyesight, which was 20/40 when he last checked. It was as close to "vision" as I had gotten, until I actually had one. I knew exactly what to do and where to go but didn't know why I knew these things and why I felt the strong desire follow them. I also felt the strong desire to quit my job as a customer service rep, stronger than anything I'd ever felt. I was burnt out at work, and it was becoming tedious to go there, nevertheless stay all day. I was getting bored, when months before, I was loving my job.

Then one day, I felt the need to quit my job. I had a vision, and it came the day before I decided I was going to quit. The feeling was so strong, but not half as strong as it was on that very day when I told my supervisor that I was going to leave my job and pursue a building (in New York City), which was the only thing I was seeing in my vision. We spoke for two hours, in an already-scheduled one-on-one that was supposed to last only 45 minutes. I had planned to announce to her my decision during this meeting. Although I was really nervous, and, seemingly, quite unintelligble. Yet, she understood every thought I relayed to her as I explained how I felt this was something I had to do. She, then, took me to see our associate floor manager. She had concerns about me leaving so suddenly, and that, if I left and nothing happened, I would be unable to return. Still, I was sure of my decision, or so I thought. Once we entered our manager's office, both my supervisor and manager began to shore me up with options--going part-time, moving to a different department, taking some time off to think things over. I began to feel uncertain and unsure of myself, so much so that I opted for the third choice--one vacation day. Why, when I was so sure? Why am I listening to them? These were my thoughts, my questions, as I left the office, walked down the stairs, left the building and walked to my car to take a vacation--something I knew I didn't want. A bolder decision needs to be made. In my case, it wasn't a "maybe" but a definitely. I definitely needed to be off payroll at my job, and I knew this as I walked down the stairs and left for my mini vacation.

After coming home from work, I told my parents I was taking a "vacation day". They both panicked, saying that I had been taking a lot of "vacation days", lately and referencing that I had just come back from Florida the weekend before. (Now, that was a vacation.) After listening to both of them, I was too afraid to do anything. I wondered how to make this happen now that I've told them. I hadn't told them about the vision or my plan--to go to New York anyway. I went to bed with that idea in my head, only to wake up panic-stricken in the middle of the night, sit up straight in my bed and say, "I need to be off payroll, now! There's no time for a vacation day!" Although I did, I didn't need to feel dread because the urgency in my words said it all.

I had no idea what I was giving up. I ended up doing nothing that day. Ugh, utter disappointment. It felt like a day of nothingness. I felt like I was in the wrong place and that I could have been in a place where things would be happening for me. It truly felt like God had not planned anything for where I was because He had planned everything for where I was supposed to be.

My vacation day (an ironic description of the day) was the beginning of the weekend, which means I had all weekend to wallow in regret. I cancelled a long-ago scheduled meeting for the magazine. Still, I felt I had another shot to set things right. Most people hate Mondays. Not me. Not this Monday. I looked forward it. I decided that I would get up, go to work, quit my job, and leave on my road trip to fulfill whatever this wonderful thing was. I did just that. Going into work helped me to realize I no longer belonged there. It just didn't feel the same. It felt foreign to me. I started taking calls but, after about 30 minutes, I realized I couldn't do it anymore. After letting my supervisor know I was quitting, for sure, I left and drove more than 300 miles to do one thing--get my teen magazine off the ground.

I arrived, spoke with the receptionist, received the typical "we don't take walk-ins" iteration, begged and pleaded, told her how far I'd come for this and ended up leaving my card--okay, cards--with her. She was very nice, and I believed she would do what she could to express my desires. Upon my departure, just as he was when I arrived, a gentleman was in the foyer. I opened the glass door that led to the elevator. It was the same elevator from which he directed me out, gestured me past him and into the direction of the glass door where the receptionist sat. He was on the phone. I noticed his feet, which were huge, and he was wearing suspenders. He was still on the phone, as I exited to take my long commute back home. Not long after I pulled out of my parking space (a miracle find in that area, by the way), I saw one even more miraculous than that, and this one was even closer to the building than the original one. As I noticed the empty parking space, I thought to go back and make it known that I needed to see someone, right then and there! It was urgent. Instead, I ignored the space and the clear thought and kept driving, all the while wondering if I should return. It wasn't until a few years later that I realized the man who directed me off the elevator, on that fateful day, was the president of the company.

Things fell apart, as they do when you don't listen to yourself, and I began to spiral into pure despair. I had no job and no prospects. I felt empty. I had lost everything. I didn't do what I'd envisioned doing, and it began to hurt a little. Then, it hurt a lot. I couldn't take the pain of losing my dream career while, at the same time, losing a relationship with someone who was very special to me. Things were falling apart, quickly, and I had no concrete explanation for it. All others could see was that I quit my job. I was asked the same question over and over. Why did you quit your job? It was heart-wrenching, and I couldn't explain it enough. No one understood, and I began to lose sight of myself in telling the story. It hurt even more. Not even my friends knew what I was talking about. They tried to be supportive, but what more could they do. They couldn't re-create the day for me so that I could say, "Yes! See, this is what I was talking about! Now, do you get it?!" All I wanted was for others to get it, to know that what I did wasn't foolish but that my choice to not act fully on it--to fully commit--was foolish. They could see no more than my family. I felt like a lost soul, and no one could help me. I suffered, dearly, for my decisions, and I lost sight of who I was and who I could be, until now...

After wallowing in sadness and thinking it was over for me, I am recovering. I am able to let go of that old way of thinking, now. I see the word "Vision", in a visiony way--don't bother looking up the word, it's not there. I'm not going to describe anymore than that, but I wrote all of this to prove that life is still livable as long as you're alive. No matter how old you are, God still has a life for you. No matter how stuck you may feel or how much you feel you've messed up, there is a plan for you. You just have to get back into alignment with that plan, and that takes willingness--a willingness to forgive yourself and to forgive others. Really though, the forgiveness starts with you. Forgiving yourself means making different choices from the ones you made before--the ones that hurt, instead of helped. That's how you heal the relationship with yourself. It means allowing your life to unfold before you and taking those steps forward. It means surrendering. You have dreams. You don't have to know what they are. I didn't. When they came, however, I recognized them, and I just had to follow. Being who you are by following what's in your heart, and in your gut--that's the key.

You do that, and you'll walk right into your destiny.

I love you!
Yvette

Death Can Teach a Great Many Things about Life

It really saddens me when I look at the tributes, on fb, to my cousin, Kristal. I wasn't able to be there to participate. It saddens me that I missed something that was so beautiful, something that attibuted to her life and the kind of person she was to us all.

I wish I had the strength of her mom, Yvonne, who I'm sure did an excellent job of making sure her life was celebrated. Yvonne knows where the strength is--it is not in remembering the day of her death but the years of her life, and I wish I had that kind of strength, right now--that light that leads to healthy living and prosperity. So, I celebrate you, Yvonne, for being the kind of mom who loved her kids, everyday, and lived with them, everyday, no matter what. This tragedy has brought so many life lessons, to call it anything other than life is to not call it at all. I love you, dear Kristal, and I want you to know how much your death has impacted my life--the pain being so unbearable that I'm forced into celebrating who you are.

I pray that we all take away from this light you have given us the permission and the freedom to live, despite everything else. RIP, dear sweet cousin.

Love you always,
Yvette