Rant, No More

I was going to rant about something that was just demanded of me, yesterday. I can't believe some of the things people expect of you (hopefully, you know no one like that), but, once I saw the background of my blog, all I could think of was my cousin, Kristal. Kristal. How sad I was when I heard the news. (My tears begin to overflow.) I haven't cried since Saturday when I found out that my beautiful 27-year-old cousin was killed in a car accident. I thought I was going to go into labor when I heard the news. I had to calm myself and realize the state of my physical being. I was not ready for this baby to come. Still, my sorrow was uncontrollable, hearing such tragic and unexpected news. She hasn't even been funeralized, yet, and someone is trying to force one more stress upon me. So, I was going to write about that because I refuse to have it inside of me, but, what's more pressing for me is my dear, sweet cousin, Kristal--forget everything else. That's what's most important to me, from now until Sunday--the day of her funeral, which will be held in Tampa, Florida. Unfortunately, I won't be able to attend, Doctor's orders. It hurt to hear him say that he would not recommend it, but I had to ask. I'll just have to find closure in some other way.

For now, this is to Kristal:

Kristal,

I love you, and I always thought of you as a bright star. Even when you were alive, I often looked back at the days when I used to babysit you. I was barely into my teens, and you would come and stay with me at my mom's house. You loved life, even then, being one of those very inquisitive children who needed to know and understand as much as she could about life. You always had a bright smile, even if you didn't know it, and you helped people feel better about themselves, simply by being you. It is a precious attribute with which many of us struggle. Even if you weren't always fully yourself, your presence was enough. Since your death, I've learned that your light can shine, even when you're going through something. So, don't worry about your light shining or about death. You were a dream to have as a family member. You offset some ones that are still here. I took your youth for granted, thinking to call you but putting it off. Still, I know you lived anyway, and that was what was so great about you. You never stopped living. I guess your spirit knew you had a short amount of time, here, and wanted to get it all in before it ended. I just adored you, and I couldn't hide it when I saw you. You had that effect on people. You've impacted so many people's lives, and it was all good. No one has a bad thing to say about you on Facebook, and there are hundreds of responses to your death. Everyone's in shock, but I hope once the shock subsides that we can all take a piece of the light you've given us and live, live, live!

To take one thing from my experience with you and use it in my own life: be very inquisitive, don't be afraid to ask why when you really want to know something, and know it intrinsically, is the deepest part of it--satisfying your curiosity. You were never afraid to try something new. These things you did well, among many other things. Those other things would have never been known had someone else not said anything or the magazine covers never surfaced. You were that quiet, humble spirit who did the best she could. Your success did not come easy. It was with a lot of hard work and determination. What made it seem easy, though, was that you were doing what you loved and enjoyed, and I guess that's what we can all take from this experience. We cannot deny that you lived your life, Kristal, and, once I was able to calm down myself after hearing the news, I knew that the heavens were ringing their bells and celebrating your arrival. I could almost hear and see it. God gave us a very special angel on earth, but He got back so much more. God bless you, Kristal. We love you....

Yvette

These are the times when you really get to think about life and what's important. Some people don't have that same sensitivity factor, and you just have to keep on living, despite that. It's still about them. Well, I'm sorry. This time is not about you. It's about Kristal and my grief in response to losing her in my life. I am not a superhuman who can do just whatever someone wants just because they need it, and the expectation is so high it can kill you. If it were a different time, it would still be an extremely difficult thing to try and meet someone else's wild demands, but, this time is not for you. And one thing I've learned, since this demand, is that you can kill me in body but not in spirit. This grief time is for me, and I'm going to take it. Nothing else matters, to me, until I can live it out. Otherwise, fear would have prevailed again, and, I refuse to let that happen. It's over. Love......come in.

I love all of you.
Yvette

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life, and that is the truth. I like it that way, for the current moment. I feel like I'm doing something, like alleviating all the other voices in my head to take time to listen to me. I have been feeling a certain kind of way, lately, and I believe this is my opportunity to think a little more clearly on it. So, I'm going to do just that. We all have times, moments, opportunities in our lives to make decisions that will change everything about our current situation, ones that can change even everything about some aspect of ourselves that we thought was true since childhood. It is a remarkable place to be. It is a giving place to be--a gift from God to see who you can be and what you can become. And, so, my prayer for you is that you find a place like this real soon and that you're able to make the decision God wants you to make. And, in praying for you, I do the same for myself. Have a good day!

Love,
Yvette

De-Stressor

Stress! Ugh! It can come in so many forms and people, but, I wrote to talk about another person--the de-stressor in my life.

Now, "de-stressor" is not considered to be a word, but it doesn't take much education to know what it would mean, if it were. A de-stressor is so important to have, and it can come in just as many forms as a stressor. It can come in the form of prayer, meditation, wine--sparingly, you name it--if it works for you, then it's good. Right now, my main de-stressor is my very good friend, Tracy. I don't even have to talk to Tracy to de-stress. Just thinking about him causes me to relax because it's the way he strives to live his life. He doesn't try to boss people around or cause a lot of drama, and if he has a reason to feel angry, he handles it with care, instead of chaos. All Tracy wants to do is be. There may be stressful things happening in his life, but his main purpose is to be--to be loving, kind, spiritual, to be better. He's not perfect, but he is a great human being, and I thank God for placing him in my life. This is an ode to you, Tracy. Thank you for being my anchor of peace in the midst of this storm. I have often thought of you and wanted to just take what you've given me--a sense of stability, letting me know that I am okay the way I am--put it in a bottle and unleash it into whatever situation calls for it. For these things, and so much more, I thank you.

Love,
Yvette