And as my last blog has been sent out, I care about what people will think. Isn't that something?...

Oooh, life has eluded me for so long. My own happiness is determined by my feelings about myself and my connection to God. God is my connect, and yet, I have been disconnected for many, many years.

Taking the advice of others, when I knew the answers, and putting more emphasis and energy on the thoughts of others, rather than my own, has cost me dearly. No one knows better than you. I don't care how old they are. I don't care how smart they are. I've learned that you've got to live your life for you, whether people approve, or not--especially when you're grown. Wow, I'm just getting this.

Now, there are times when the advice of others should be taken wisely. However, when someone offers advice, usually, that's all it is. Even when it has a good dose of wisdom residing in it, the advice itself is not meant to be taken as a command. It's all in the tone. Good advice is meant to be taken as, well, advice--take it, or leave it, even though they pray that you take it--and we know wisdom when we hear it. We know the good stuff versus the stuff that just wreaks of untruth, that which comes from an uncertain, never been there before, place. I believe the best advice comes from those who have been where you are and succeeded and those who have been where you are and failed. Anyone else, for that particular topic, is an amateur, speaking on behalf of fear. I've learned that the hard way, but I'm still here--alive and kicking and will find, and fully live, the goodness that God has for me. So, if you're down and out, worried about what other people think, don't. Stop. God knows best, and if He's brought you this far, then He will lead you all the way. But, you have to seek Him, first, in all ways. After that, all it takes is the skill of listening when He directs you--a skill I'm still learning.

Thank You, God, for directing my path, no matter what people think. You do not worry about what mere mortals will say. You are awesome. You are bold. You are God, and I thank You for being You. It is my honor to serve You, Lord. Amen. :)

I Love You,
Yvette

Be Happy

In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There's nothing you can't do
Now, you're in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York

That song has been in my head for the last couple of mornings. It could be because it's played during the opening credits of Sex and the City 2, which I loved, by the way. Anyway, I had to look up the lyrics in order to get everything correct. I knew most of them but had to tweak a few of the words. I'm telling you this because, after searching online for the lyrics and then returning to this blog, I actually feel better. I had other ideas in mind before I left to do my search. I feel better, I guess, that the lyrics are out there for people like me--those who think they know the words but have no idea that they're singing the wrong ones. That's funny, to me. How many times have we done that? Sang the wrong words, sometimes for years? I know I have, and, since becoming an adult, I understand some of the lyrics to old songs and realize, "Hey, that's what they're saying" or "Oooh, that song was nasty" or use context clues to put in the right words. It kind of brings peace to your soul when you sing the right words, even though you didn't know you were singing the wrong ones the whole time.

So, I guess that brings relief, to know that I'm not alone. "You are not alone. I am here for you. Though we're far away, I am here to stay..."--the lyrics to Michael Jackson's "You are Not Alone". You're welcome. Songs pop into my head all the time. Most days I sing them aloud, probably to the angst of my family. Other days, I decide to keep the melodies in my head, recognizing that singing them will not bring any relief but keep me from discovering the truth. On those days, I'm really trying to get to the bottom of what I'm feeling. I need to have more of those days. I forgot about them, actually, and a lot of time has passed in which I've been belting out songs instead of looking within for the truth. That may be a little too deep for some of you, but it's true. As a person who is searching for her truth, it's important to me that I keep those things that are working, well...working, and when I forget what works, I think to myself, "Man, I could have been doing that all along"--and, thus, could've been learning, instead of hiding, all along. Still, it's a process and a good one, one that I'm proud to go back to--the keeping songs inside, part. I just need to find myself in all of this, and when I do, watch out world! I make no apologies for it. I'll just do me--because that's what makes us happy, just doing us. Whether we know it, or not. Whether people told us to, or not. Whether we were told to believe it, or not. Whether we told we were something, or not. You have to be you, in order to be happy.

I love you!
Yvette

Retracking

Please excuse my last blog. It may be a little confusing. People shouldn't drive drunk or drunk dial, I shouldn't write sleepy or sleepy write.

Having said that, I've already prayed and talked to God. I even read the Bible, which I also like to do, at this hour. Reading the Bible is what I left out of my last message and wanted to include. Reading it, especially in the middle of the night, has helped me to find peace and understanding and peace in understanding.

Amen.

Yvette

Melancholy

Doubtful that things will work out, I am awake. It's that kind of awake in the middle of the night in which you're not sure how you even woke up. You're just up and going back to sleep seems like a chore. All of the thoughts in your mind keep you thinking that sleep is an option--one that eludes you because of its necessity and your fear of the unknown. That doesn't make sense, unless you're in my mind, I guess. Convincing myself that I shouldn't be asleep just because I awoke is nothing new, to me. I could, actually, probably, go back to sleep, right now, but the punishment of not sleeping is what I feel I deserve, so sleep becomes this thing that, behind my eyes, my mind won't let me do. Usually, I talk to God before doing anything else. In recent moments, it hasn't worked as well. I'm not saying that talking to God ever results in a non-resolution. God is in my desire to write this blog, right now. It is more of a doing than a talking moment. Those moments when there's nothing left to say, yeah, it's one of those moments. So, I'm here, and I knew that it wasn't very late in the morning. I could tell, and when I got on the computer and noticed the time, I knew something was up--something was on my heart. I'll probably still pray after writing this because I never give up the opportunity to pray when I awaken in the middle of the night. I feel like you can get so much done when you talk to God at that, as someone reminded me, "ungodly hour". Many people awaken at this hour and don't realize the opportunity they have. It is their chance to get down and dirty with God--snot, tears, confessing, being honest, letting go, hoping, dreaming, praying magnificent prayers in the middle of the night. It's what I am about to do, right now.

I love you!
Yvette

A Squashed Bug

I was told I wear my heart on my sleeve and not to do that. I'm not sure if I want to take that advice. Wearing my heart on my sleeve has helped me to be open and sensitive. I've been that way my whole life, and I've been able to maintain my joy for most of my life. I can say that I've had a good--or, dare I say, easy--life, despite some painful things that happened to me. I still had joy and a giggle tickle in my belly. I always felt "kept" by something bigger than myself. It wasn't until I had to make decisions to say "no" to hurt and pain, from childhood--disillusions about myself that I thought were true--that I began to lose tracking and, thus, myself. I lost a lot of my new, and forming, footing because I believed things people said about, and did to, me in childhood. I believed every word I was told as a child--well not every word, I knew I wasn't stupid. Still, I became that child, again, and when it was time for me to step up and step out on faith, fear showed up. Doesn't it always? "But, what if they think I'm ugly? What if they don't think I deserve this? What if they form a clique against me and make fun of me behind my back?" Those things happened, or were said, to me, and they were real, hurt feelings that I still believed as an adult. I was stuck in them, not yet able to identify my real pain. I was stuck in a murky mess of fear and couldn't shake it. Alongside those fears was the unawareness that the decisions I was making had to be my own. I wanted to bring my family with me. I was afraid of losing them. or leaving them, behind, and I was afraid of being without them, but I wouldn't have been doing either. They are always with me, in some form. I am a part of them, and they are a part of me. I was afraid of losing that connection. I didn't think I could do it on my own. I didn't think I could be somebody until it, and my dreams, started to become a reality, and it scared me. I didn't know how, and was too afraid, to face my fears alone. But, now after yesterday, I know, and I know that my life is my life. That used to sound selfish, to me, but I owe it to myself to live it. I owe it to that little girl who was hurt all those years. She is my deserving factor. Life is my deserving factor, and I need nothing else. Now, having said this, I feel the need to retreat and hide again, as if someone is going to be watching my every move to see if I fail, but that is only fear, which has no place in my decision to be me.

I woke up, this morning, realizing that I was feeling some kind of way. I didn't own that fear anymore, like I had in the past. I wanted to learn from it. I became tired of feeling the same fear, and having the same experiences, over and over again. I have, yet, to realize that not everything is for everybody--even a reaction. Wearing my heart on my sleeve keeps me in tune with my feelings and with the needs, and feelings, of others, and I need that to be who I am. What I'm learning, though, is to be myself, no matter what. I don't need to be the ugly duckling or the one who, clumsily, puts herself out there in order to be made fun of. I realize that the pain has already happened. It won't happen again. One of my favorite lines is from the movie, "One Hour Photo". , "The things that we fear most have already happened to us." Robin Williams plays a man who works at a photo shop in a drug store and becomes obsessed with photos of a family. At one point, he says this, unexpectedly, poignant line, which always stuck with me. I wondered if it was true. My fear had been that those things would creep up again, that I was still that little girl. Now, I know that I'm not that little girl, anymore, and that she will always be a part of me, but her role is to guide me to the joys in life. She knows more than I think she knows and can be trusted with my heart. So, I don't know if I want to walk around with my heart only on the inside. I think I want to wear it on the outside, too, all the while being more cautious about when to put it away for safe-keeping.

This just occurred to me that this is about forgiveness. If I'm able to forgive those people, then I can move on. Forgiveness has been a challenge for me because I hurt so deeply. Still, it is something I must do, even if it's in saying Yes to the no's of my past.

I love you,
:) Yvette

Untitled

Closing off doors
Holding hands
Crying out loud
Taking a stand

Saying, "Hallelujah!"
Jumping to shout
Isn't this what life is all about?

Scrambling for work
Looking for fun
Making it happen
'Til it's all said and done

Being afraid
Being unsure
Teaching your loved ones how to endure

What is this thing?
This thing that we're in?
When do we let life finally begin?

Why do we stop?
Where do we begin
To let the world know
We're in it again?

- Yvette M. Curtis-Brown

A New Beginning...

Good Morning. I've decided that I'm going to take this blog seriously. Not that my previous posts haven't been, but my desire to do more is working its way to the surface, and I believe this is just the beginning. So, I'm going to write a message everyday. I'm not sure how this will help, or where it will lead, but I'm sure it's leading to greater things. So, I hope you enjoy and thanks for your support.

:)

Love,
Yvette

A Ha Ha!

Kelly Ripa, from Live with Regis & Kelly, just read an email that I sent to Regis Philbin LIVE on national TV!!!!!

Here's my email: Hey Regis, Do you know that you've been one of the top 10 most searched people on Yahoo, all weekend, because of your clot!!

I want to thank all of you who've commented and supported this blog. The comments are not seen on the blog because they come via email or facebook. Thank you to all who have supported me. I really appreciate it. :)

I regret my last posting...

Enough with the self-loathing, already! Whatever people are going to think of me, they are going to think. I'm referring to one person who probably has no idea I'm referring to her.

I care way too much about what she thinks, as if her opinion is right. And even if her opinion is justified, without her knowing all the facts, her conclusions are normally false or misrepresented by what she sees, only. Why don't I care what I think? I'm having these self-deprecating, defeating thoughts, and it's only because I can think of them. I've been told to pray, but when you have such thoughts, a good, soulful prayer can be challenging to come by because of the lack of humility.

I was about to publicly shame myself, which is something Oprah said she realized she did in her decision to expose her feelings about herself and her battle with weight on her January 2009 cover. It was a lesson for her not to do that again. I, too, will take that lesson, Oprah. Thank you. All I can is say that I made mistakes, and I wish I hadn't, but they happened. Am I going to punish myself for the rest of my life, like I had planned? No. I believe the Universe is trying to get me to stop doing that. I'm running out of options, and thus, it's teaching me that I don't have to to punish myself for my mistakes and that life has a way of working itself out. I guess I'm embarrassed about what this person sees, and I feel judged by it, knowing that what she sees will be made known to someone.

Still, I cannot hide, I guess, and maybe that is the purpose of her being in my life--to not let me hide. So, I'm thankful for her, and I pray that whatever is exposed, whether it's within my control, or not, is dismantled and, if necessary, put back together in a way that exposes my real truth--the one that says it's okay to be me, no matter what.

Now, there--a prayer. :)

Amen.

I love you.
Yvette

I wanted to delete my last post because I didn't want any negative thoughts or comments to affect my calling, but, since it's already out there, in email form, now, I pray that "the calling" filters through any negative thoughts that may surface.

The Calling...

Calling my life, to me.

Calling my magazine into my life, into existence.

Calling all teenage girls who are meant to be connected to me through the magazine, into my life.

Calling God's peace, grace, mercy and love into my life.

Calling God's will into my life.

Calling my authentic life and self into existence.

Calling pure happiness and joy into my spirit and into my life.

Calling love, peace and joy into my spirit.

Calling me into my body.

Calling me to life.