Boy, I'm going to miss writing in my blog. We're moving tomorrow and won't have Internet access right away, at least. We also need a computer/laptop. Therefore, I don't know when my next blog will be, so I wanted to write as much as I could while I have some time.
You never konw what you'll enjoy until you try it. For many years, I ran from my magazine dream (see first blog posting), and I didn't think that I was worthy enough to do it or would actually be good enough to do it. I had issues with me. As I'm writing this blog, however, I'm thinking of how much having that magazine would have meant to me and changed my life. I already feel attached to writing this blog, and I didn't know it until I realized I may not see it, for a while. I know, I can always go to the library or use someone else's computer, but just the idea that I am leaving something that I love to do causes me to believe that I was right on track with the magazine. So, now, after all that I've been through regretting not doing the magazine and, now, finding something that I enjoy doing, where does this leave me? It leaves me with a little hope in my heart. It leaves me hoping that what I just felt--that little glimpse--is a peek into the life I've dreamed of living. I hope it brings me independence and focus, belief in myself and confidence, belief in my dreams and that I have the force and power behind me to follow them. I believe I have something to offer this world. We all do, but, you know what, I really have to be this person I know myself to be--this person I see.
This blog has changed the course, for me, and I am so grateful!! It has given me back a perspective I haven't had in a long time. I'm not sure where I'll end up, exactly, but I do know that I want to end up exactly where my body, mind, spirit and soul tell me I belong--in the company of greatness. I have a responsibility to God and to this world to do the work I've been assigned to do. I am just happy that I've accepted that--it's taken a long time, and I've resisted for many years. However, I realize now that nothing is more important than the work that is meant to be done by you. So, you can run from it, you can hide from it, you can disguise your fears with all types of substance abuse, but the truth is, at the end of the day, the responsibility is yours. Life is ours for the taking. We have to live it and live it to the fullest. I'm still learning as I go along this journey, but it's good to know that a teeny part of me is back. Whew...
Love,
Yvette
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Hallelujah!
"Depression is Anger turned Inward." This is actually a quote from my Pastor. He said it on Sunday, and I haven't looked at depression in the same way since. It doesn't have the same mystery that it used to now that I understand it in that way. The "turned inward" part helps me to know that I have the power to do something about it. Just wanted to share that with you...
Sometimes, we just don't know what life is going to throw at us, and when we get a curve ball, we often get offended or we deny that it ever existed in the first place. I have had some challenges, recently--ones to help me grow. I hope I've been up to these challenges because, quite frankly, they've been exhausting. When you know what you want in your life and you ask so many people their opinion that your own gets lost, you have a tendency to become angry and turn inward. I've done that on more than several occasions and have ended up being seen as confused, not really knowing what I want and not really understanding how life works. I get how life works, and I know what I want, but when you don't trust yourself and you seek the consultation of others, the way your life works becomes lost and caught up in uncertainty. I've entrusted my biggest dreams and deepest thoughts to others, without taking into consideration what I thought and how checking in with others for advice might affect me. That wasn't important to me. It was about instant gratification, and if I could find someone who would tell me something--true or not--I would take it, analyze it and find a way to fit it into the equation. Now, the life I'm living is not my own. It is a life built upon the ideals, principles, beliefs and thoughts of those from whom I've sought advice. With all of my wisdom, I have fallen into the trap of self-doubt and external approval. I am not happy with where my life is, right now. I know that I've been way more capable than what I've displayed, and seeking the advice of others was not out of necessity but out of mistrust of my own self.
So, what does one do when they look at their life and they see that it is not what they had envisioned, planned, thought, or hoped for? Well, for one thing, I believe that you have to know where you are, first. If you are in misery--for whatever reason--you have to find a way to make it better or you have to find a way out. And although there are many options in the world, this is not a time when the multitudes really apply. In order for me or anyone to find his or her way out of their own sheltered, boxed-in world, we have to find a way out. Now, I know I said, a little earlier, that, either, we have to find a way to make it better or a way out and that still holds true. However, in the very space that we're in--where we may have cramped ourselves into tiny places--in order to make it better, we still have to make a way out. Now, when I mentioned "out" earlier, I meant in the larger context/scheme of things. You must find a way to your own true happiness, and if leaving a situation is the answer, for you, then you must take that route. However, before you can even leave, you have to give yourself the space--the leeway--to attract something new into your life. Prayer works, for me. Talking to persons who inspire me to change, who really understand me and will tell me the truth is another way. Writing is another. But, prayer is the way. Right now, I have this desire to grow and to learn from my mistakes. Thank God! I never thought I would get here, but I guess making choices--like getting married--has forced me to take my life more seriously because there's nothing more miserable than an all-out, blown-out argument in a marriage. It makes me want to find a better part of me, a part of me that will handle the situation better the next time.
I like to believe that I am a good person who has made some choices that have yet to bring out the best in me. I'm learning them through mistakes. Still, I have my blog--my ability to express--which allows me to feel good that I'm putting something out there. I really appreciate those of you who read it. You never know how good something will feel until you try it. I can speak to that testament. Random people mentioned blogging to me for quite some time, now, and I've made excuses and have been hesitant in all types of ways. However, when life got too sticky for me, I rushed to this outlet to let out those feelings that were bottled up. The response has been good, and I'm grateful. I just hope that as we learn, we teach one another through our respective outlets so that no one gets left behind. I know that I want others to come aboard and get some of this good stuff--forget everything else.
Love,
Yvette
Sometimes, we just don't know what life is going to throw at us, and when we get a curve ball, we often get offended or we deny that it ever existed in the first place. I have had some challenges, recently--ones to help me grow. I hope I've been up to these challenges because, quite frankly, they've been exhausting. When you know what you want in your life and you ask so many people their opinion that your own gets lost, you have a tendency to become angry and turn inward. I've done that on more than several occasions and have ended up being seen as confused, not really knowing what I want and not really understanding how life works. I get how life works, and I know what I want, but when you don't trust yourself and you seek the consultation of others, the way your life works becomes lost and caught up in uncertainty. I've entrusted my biggest dreams and deepest thoughts to others, without taking into consideration what I thought and how checking in with others for advice might affect me. That wasn't important to me. It was about instant gratification, and if I could find someone who would tell me something--true or not--I would take it, analyze it and find a way to fit it into the equation. Now, the life I'm living is not my own. It is a life built upon the ideals, principles, beliefs and thoughts of those from whom I've sought advice. With all of my wisdom, I have fallen into the trap of self-doubt and external approval. I am not happy with where my life is, right now. I know that I've been way more capable than what I've displayed, and seeking the advice of others was not out of necessity but out of mistrust of my own self.
So, what does one do when they look at their life and they see that it is not what they had envisioned, planned, thought, or hoped for? Well, for one thing, I believe that you have to know where you are, first. If you are in misery--for whatever reason--you have to find a way to make it better or you have to find a way out. And although there are many options in the world, this is not a time when the multitudes really apply. In order for me or anyone to find his or her way out of their own sheltered, boxed-in world, we have to find a way out. Now, I know I said, a little earlier, that, either, we have to find a way to make it better or a way out and that still holds true. However, in the very space that we're in--where we may have cramped ourselves into tiny places--in order to make it better, we still have to make a way out. Now, when I mentioned "out" earlier, I meant in the larger context/scheme of things. You must find a way to your own true happiness, and if leaving a situation is the answer, for you, then you must take that route. However, before you can even leave, you have to give yourself the space--the leeway--to attract something new into your life. Prayer works, for me. Talking to persons who inspire me to change, who really understand me and will tell me the truth is another way. Writing is another. But, prayer is the way. Right now, I have this desire to grow and to learn from my mistakes. Thank God! I never thought I would get here, but I guess making choices--like getting married--has forced me to take my life more seriously because there's nothing more miserable than an all-out, blown-out argument in a marriage. It makes me want to find a better part of me, a part of me that will handle the situation better the next time.
I like to believe that I am a good person who has made some choices that have yet to bring out the best in me. I'm learning them through mistakes. Still, I have my blog--my ability to express--which allows me to feel good that I'm putting something out there. I really appreciate those of you who read it. You never know how good something will feel until you try it. I can speak to that testament. Random people mentioned blogging to me for quite some time, now, and I've made excuses and have been hesitant in all types of ways. However, when life got too sticky for me, I rushed to this outlet to let out those feelings that were bottled up. The response has been good, and I'm grateful. I just hope that as we learn, we teach one another through our respective outlets so that no one gets left behind. I know that I want others to come aboard and get some of this good stuff--forget everything else.
Love,
Yvette
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Life, for me, ain't been no crystal stair. I've been saying that a lot, lately, and the Pastor at church said it again on Sunday. What does that mean? I don't think my life has been that hard or that I've had to struggle that much. But, you know what...as I think about it, I realize what I mean. I don't mean that I've had a lot of hard times financially or getting my foot in the door. I mean that I've had to fight some battles, some personal ones that left me scarred, wounded and downright hurt. I mean there have been persons in my life who challenged my naivete, niceness and caused great friction. It feels as if I've had to battle with my family for many years, from the time when I was young--from being molested to be cursed out because of someone else's rage. I guess I always felt picked on and to reiterate that emotion--and to establish myself in pity--I've, recently adopted Langston Hughes' great line from his poem "Mother to Son" when the mother says, "Son, life for me ain't been no crystal stair." At the same time, this line has helped me to humble myself and to just live in the moment. When I say that life hasn't been a crystal stair, I'm really saying that life, right now, ain't no crystal stair. That doesn't mean there won't be one in the future or hasn't been one in the past, but right now, no crystal in my eyesight. I don't doubt that I won't see it in the near future. I'm just coping with this moment the best I can.
In reality, life, for me, has been a crystal stair--in many ways. I've learned how to grow and develop as a human being. I was placed in the gifted and talented program when I was in the fifth grade. In 4th grade, I was reading on a 10th grade level, and by 5th grade, on a 12th grade level. I went to a Magnet High School--my first choice. I went to the only college for which I applied--Lincoln University. I made it to NY on my own. I worked at a great company while I was there. I have talents and gifts that I have yet to recognize. I have many accomplishments. It's important to be reminded to count your blessings.
So, life for me has been a crystal stair. I just have to learn to overcome the obstacles of other people in my life who say they care and want the best for me. I have to care and want the best for myself, more than any of those other people. I am learning to progress. My regression is over. I am going to be me! It sounds cliche, but it's true. My life is meant to be lived. I'm meant to fulfill my destiny, and I do have the desire to do that. I will be successful, and I will make it through this. Why? Because life, for me, is a crystal stair, and I'm climbing all the way up.
See you at the top, or from it!
Love,
Yvette
In reality, life, for me, has been a crystal stair--in many ways. I've learned how to grow and develop as a human being. I was placed in the gifted and talented program when I was in the fifth grade. In 4th grade, I was reading on a 10th grade level, and by 5th grade, on a 12th grade level. I went to a Magnet High School--my first choice. I went to the only college for which I applied--Lincoln University. I made it to NY on my own. I worked at a great company while I was there. I have talents and gifts that I have yet to recognize. I have many accomplishments. It's important to be reminded to count your blessings.
So, life for me has been a crystal stair. I just have to learn to overcome the obstacles of other people in my life who say they care and want the best for me. I have to care and want the best for myself, more than any of those other people. I am learning to progress. My regression is over. I am going to be me! It sounds cliche, but it's true. My life is meant to be lived. I'm meant to fulfill my destiny, and I do have the desire to do that. I will be successful, and I will make it through this. Why? Because life, for me, is a crystal stair, and I'm climbing all the way up.
See you at the top, or from it!
Love,
Yvette
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Today, I'm feeling so-so...okay. I'm not in the best of moods, but I have to say that I'm above ground. (Old people say that, am I getting old? Or wiser?)
So, you can't let the stressors of life stress you out. You have to live your life. I have chosen to become more of who I am. Some people would think it is an obvious thing to do, but sometimes, you have to push yourself to go further into the person you truly are. Sometimes, those surface people who think that they know so much about themselves really don't know anything. And it takes a courageous person to admit that they have to learn a little more about him or herself. I definitely have to step further into me, to get to a safer place inside myself. This is not a hiding place, it's just a place where rest and peace reside and love is abundant. It a place that gives me the peace of mind to know that, where I am, no one can harm me. It is the place where God lives. We are all capable of getting there--through prayer, action, change of thought, conversation, a reflection in the mirror--many ways. So, this is my challenge to myself today--to get to a deeper place within myself. It doesn't have to be that much deeper. A little depth goes a long way, but I am challenging myself to go as deep as I can go, today, and to find peace within me to live and be free from the angst and anxiety that I feel right now. And if you're feeling anything that is not of you, I pray the same for you. Have a good one!
Love,
Yvette
So, you can't let the stressors of life stress you out. You have to live your life. I have chosen to become more of who I am. Some people would think it is an obvious thing to do, but sometimes, you have to push yourself to go further into the person you truly are. Sometimes, those surface people who think that they know so much about themselves really don't know anything. And it takes a courageous person to admit that they have to learn a little more about him or herself. I definitely have to step further into me, to get to a safer place inside myself. This is not a hiding place, it's just a place where rest and peace reside and love is abundant. It a place that gives me the peace of mind to know that, where I am, no one can harm me. It is the place where God lives. We are all capable of getting there--through prayer, action, change of thought, conversation, a reflection in the mirror--many ways. So, this is my challenge to myself today--to get to a deeper place within myself. It doesn't have to be that much deeper. A little depth goes a long way, but I am challenging myself to go as deep as I can go, today, and to find peace within me to live and be free from the angst and anxiety that I feel right now. And if you're feeling anything that is not of you, I pray the same for you. Have a good one!
Love,
Yvette
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Being Okay
Soft-spoken words come into my heart
Becoming inexplicably unnecessary to the outside world
I live here.
I am the emotional equivalent of a bumble bee
Always buzzing around looking for the next best thing
My world has become limited by my resources
I struggle to see tomorrow
For today is clouded with memories of yesterday
I can't wait to see a glorious day that may never come
If I don't see today.
I am struggling with myself
The days of yesterday feel calmer than today
And the days of tomorrow are nothing more than dark versions of today
How do I live this way?
This is not me
Soon not to be
Who am I really?
Is my question to be answered?
How do I find her?
Where is she in me?
How can she be free?
Becoming inexplicably unnecessary to the outside world
I live here.
I am the emotional equivalent of a bumble bee
Always buzzing around looking for the next best thing
My world has become limited by my resources
I struggle to see tomorrow
For today is clouded with memories of yesterday
I can't wait to see a glorious day that may never come
If I don't see today.
I am struggling with myself
The days of yesterday feel calmer than today
And the days of tomorrow are nothing more than dark versions of today
How do I live this way?
This is not me
Soon not to be
Who am I really?
Is my question to be answered?
How do I find her?
Where is she in me?
How can she be free?
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Wrong Way
Sometimes, I feel like I'm going the wrong way. I do. I feel like I am misunderstood and that people will have their own judgments about how I feel. I mean, it's as if I can't feel what I feel. This sounds angry, I'm sure--and part of it is. I am not angry with the other person. I am angry with me. Why? Because I know what I feel and, sometimes, I'm afraid of it.
What I am learning--from being afraid--is that all is not always what it seems. My thoughts sometimes have a barbaric attack on my brain, and they like to consume so much of who I am that I become engrossed in their entangled weaves of web and limited thinking. Okay, that's a lot, but it's true.
I love being me. I mean, it's the best thing to me, and I'm sure being you is the best thing to you. There's no feeling like it, and I'm glad that I have God on my side to whom I can confide and pray and ask for the guidance that no other person can give me, including me. So, why the sudden change in attitude? It is because I took a short break from writing this and had a conversation with God--one that I was able to find some peace and some willingness to learn in the experience in which I am. Tomorrow is not here, and I'm thankful for that because of what I did for myself today--just by talking to God was enough to make the sun rise inside again. I feel good about having the sun rise inside again because I have lived in sadness for so many years. This blog helps, and, for it, I am so grateful. : )
Love,
Yvette
What I am learning--from being afraid--is that all is not always what it seems. My thoughts sometimes have a barbaric attack on my brain, and they like to consume so much of who I am that I become engrossed in their entangled weaves of web and limited thinking. Okay, that's a lot, but it's true.
I love being me. I mean, it's the best thing to me, and I'm sure being you is the best thing to you. There's no feeling like it, and I'm glad that I have God on my side to whom I can confide and pray and ask for the guidance that no other person can give me, including me. So, why the sudden change in attitude? It is because I took a short break from writing this and had a conversation with God--one that I was able to find some peace and some willingness to learn in the experience in which I am. Tomorrow is not here, and I'm thankful for that because of what I did for myself today--just by talking to God was enough to make the sun rise inside again. I feel good about having the sun rise inside again because I have lived in sadness for so many years. This blog helps, and, for it, I am so grateful. : )
Love,
Yvette
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Remembering the Past
I can't always say that I have the most positive of thoughts and most hopeful of dreams. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do have dreams--have had them for years. It's the hope of seeing them through that I seemed to let go of, one day. There are so many ways that we can repeat the mistakes of our parents and not even know it. What I'm realizing is that I've been trying to avoid the path of my mom while, all the while, taking the same road as she.
My mom died of a massive heart attack at 68. She had heart disease since age 55. She was never the one whom you would expect to die so soon nor have health issues so early in her life. She was zesty and full of life, so we thought. I had gone to see this Chinese Healer, one day, and she told me to ask the Spirits above about my mom. She told me to tell her the first thing I heard. I told her that I heard, "She's dead." She asked me if they felt like evil spirits. I responded with a yes because I thought only an evil spirit would say that my mom was dead when she was clearly alive. Well, as time passed on, I didn't know, for sure, if that spirit was truly evil. I think it spoke the truth. Why do I believe this? Well, now, if someone asked a spirit about me, that spirit could very well say the same thing about me, I'm dead--emotionally. Now, I know this may sound sad, but it is the truth.
I have been living like a walking Zombie trying to find my way back to living again. I lost sight of who I was, and got so scared of that, that I stopped living. I think my mom felt the same way, at some point. I believe she had a broken heart and never really recovered. I say this because some unusual circumstances led my mother to some information that would mean bad news and a broken heart, for me. When she heard the news, she said that she hadn't felt pain like that in years. When I heard the news, I was devastated, but I hid my emotions well for fear that my mom would criticize me and call me "weak" and "dumb." So, I dwelled in my pain instead of releasing it. This reminds me of Jay-Z who, in one of his songs, speaks of the sudden death of his young cousin. He expressed the importance of feeling pain and letting it go, instead of holding it in. I struggled with his level of wisdom, for a little while, because I had done the very opposite in my own life. I cannot let that happen again--the holding on of pain that reults in the killing of my soul.
There were several choices I made in which I did not handle situations with great wisdom. Who am I kidding? With no wisdom. Instead, I lost every ounce of myself trying to be with one person and trying to be somebody else for that person. The shame of messing it up was what caused such pain. Even after the relationship was completely over, I didn't deal with the pain. I still harbor that pain--not good, I know. So, this is why I remind myself of my mom. I see her pain as my own, and I see the choices I've made recently as not my own but ones my mother may have made. I have a daily struggle with my choices, knowing that I could have made better ones in the past. With all that mentioned, I still believe that I have time to fix things--not by my own hands--but by my willingness to let God be God and to trust that whatever direction He gives me, it will always be better than the one I'm on, in the long run.
Love,
Yvette
My mom died of a massive heart attack at 68. She had heart disease since age 55. She was never the one whom you would expect to die so soon nor have health issues so early in her life. She was zesty and full of life, so we thought. I had gone to see this Chinese Healer, one day, and she told me to ask the Spirits above about my mom. She told me to tell her the first thing I heard. I told her that I heard, "She's dead." She asked me if they felt like evil spirits. I responded with a yes because I thought only an evil spirit would say that my mom was dead when she was clearly alive. Well, as time passed on, I didn't know, for sure, if that spirit was truly evil. I think it spoke the truth. Why do I believe this? Well, now, if someone asked a spirit about me, that spirit could very well say the same thing about me, I'm dead--emotionally. Now, I know this may sound sad, but it is the truth.
I have been living like a walking Zombie trying to find my way back to living again. I lost sight of who I was, and got so scared of that, that I stopped living. I think my mom felt the same way, at some point. I believe she had a broken heart and never really recovered. I say this because some unusual circumstances led my mother to some information that would mean bad news and a broken heart, for me. When she heard the news, she said that she hadn't felt pain like that in years. When I heard the news, I was devastated, but I hid my emotions well for fear that my mom would criticize me and call me "weak" and "dumb." So, I dwelled in my pain instead of releasing it. This reminds me of Jay-Z who, in one of his songs, speaks of the sudden death of his young cousin. He expressed the importance of feeling pain and letting it go, instead of holding it in. I struggled with his level of wisdom, for a little while, because I had done the very opposite in my own life. I cannot let that happen again--the holding on of pain that reults in the killing of my soul.
There were several choices I made in which I did not handle situations with great wisdom. Who am I kidding? With no wisdom. Instead, I lost every ounce of myself trying to be with one person and trying to be somebody else for that person. The shame of messing it up was what caused such pain. Even after the relationship was completely over, I didn't deal with the pain. I still harbor that pain--not good, I know. So, this is why I remind myself of my mom. I see her pain as my own, and I see the choices I've made recently as not my own but ones my mother may have made. I have a daily struggle with my choices, knowing that I could have made better ones in the past. With all that mentioned, I still believe that I have time to fix things--not by my own hands--but by my willingness to let God be God and to trust that whatever direction He gives me, it will always be better than the one I'm on, in the long run.
Love,
Yvette
Friday, July 17, 2009
Calling the Shots
I just woke up, and as I began to wonder what I would write about, "calling the shots" came into my head. It came in the form of a question, in other words "Who's calling the shots?" I quickly wondered who's calling the shots in my life. And I know the answer before I have to ponder and question and wonder and think on it--everyone else but me. Why am I allowing everyone else to call the shots in my life? I have become externally focused on making myself right from the outside in, and that's just not right--that had never been my philosophy. I have to call the shots in my life. I think I know best! : )
Through writing, I find power. I love writing. It gives me the safe haven to feel what I feel and to express it abstractly, such as through poetry, or directly, such as a through blog. I never thought I would write a blog, but it had been suggested to me on occasions when I was, quietly, looking for something to do, without asking anyone. I believe I was being guided to share my thoughts with someone, even with myself. I hope I get to know myself better and to accomplish something while writing this blog. What? I don't know. I just want to be a better person--a better person to others and to me. My hopes and dreams are not conquered by fear. I will not succumb to that. My life is not over, and I can see that a little just by writing to you. I thank God for an opportunity, for an outlet that He feels best serves my purpose, right now--whatever the purpose, it's something. I feel good about that. I'm glad to know that He's still in it with me. For that, I am so completely grateful.
Thanks for listening.
Yvette : )
Through writing, I find power. I love writing. It gives me the safe haven to feel what I feel and to express it abstractly, such as through poetry, or directly, such as a through blog. I never thought I would write a blog, but it had been suggested to me on occasions when I was, quietly, looking for something to do, without asking anyone. I believe I was being guided to share my thoughts with someone, even with myself. I hope I get to know myself better and to accomplish something while writing this blog. What? I don't know. I just want to be a better person--a better person to others and to me. My hopes and dreams are not conquered by fear. I will not succumb to that. My life is not over, and I can see that a little just by writing to you. I thank God for an opportunity, for an outlet that He feels best serves my purpose, right now--whatever the purpose, it's something. I feel good about that. I'm glad to know that He's still in it with me. For that, I am so completely grateful.
Thanks for listening.
Yvette : )
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Waking up in the morning is very hard to do. Well, not actually waking up, but the feeling that comes from waking up is one of nothingness. Now, I know that we're supposed to be grateful that we're here to see another day and that is exactly why I'm mentioning this. Over the last several years, I've awaken to the same head-in-the-sand feeling, morning after morning. It has become devastating to me--not enough to keep me awake at night but enough for me to write about it. I know what it's like to wake up and feel excited, or even just ready, for the new day. I know what it feels like to leave yesterday behind and to look forward to the day ahead. I lost that enthusiasm for life after several consecutive disappointments. After disappointing myself, on countless occasions, I stopped looking forward to life. I felt helpless against disappointing myself. When Beyonce's "Me, Myself and I" came out, I loved the song. I had trouble with one line, though, "I know that I would never disappoint myself." I became jealous of her because I couldn't say the same thing about myself. I felt intelligent and able to live as great a life as anyone, but I could not get past the point the disappointments. I put myself on a pedastal--there's that perfectionistic issue showing up again.
I didn't think I was supposed to make mistakes, and once I did, I just couldn't move past it. I couldn't wake up in the morning with the same spunk, the same spark, and I lost all interest in everything I was doing. I was depressed. So, knowing this about myself and still waking up, today, with the same feelings, where does this leave me? Who am I, now? I am the same person I was when I first stumbled. In fact, stumbling reminds me that I am human. I guess stumbling was meant to have a humbling affect. Instead, I internalized it and became more and more negative with every disappointment. I didn't know that it was okay to make mistakes until recently, and I held myself hostage due to that lack of wisdom. Now, I feel a little better after sharing these feelings. I think I gave myself a little more power by sharing and disempowering my warden of Guilt. I am emotionally available, a little more--and I mean a little. Change doesn't always happen swiftly. This change has taken years, so if I break out suddenly, it's only because I got it, but it took a long time for me to get here, even. Nevertheless, I got here.
Love,
Yvette
I didn't think I was supposed to make mistakes, and once I did, I just couldn't move past it. I couldn't wake up in the morning with the same spunk, the same spark, and I lost all interest in everything I was doing. I was depressed. So, knowing this about myself and still waking up, today, with the same feelings, where does this leave me? Who am I, now? I am the same person I was when I first stumbled. In fact, stumbling reminds me that I am human. I guess stumbling was meant to have a humbling affect. Instead, I internalized it and became more and more negative with every disappointment. I didn't know that it was okay to make mistakes until recently, and I held myself hostage due to that lack of wisdom. Now, I feel a little better after sharing these feelings. I think I gave myself a little more power by sharing and disempowering my warden of Guilt. I am emotionally available, a little more--and I mean a little. Change doesn't always happen swiftly. This change has taken years, so if I break out suddenly, it's only because I got it, but it took a long time for me to get here, even. Nevertheless, I got here.
Love,
Yvette
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