I was told I wear my heart on my sleeve and not to do that. I'm not sure if I want to take that advice. Wearing my heart on my sleeve has helped me to be open and sensitive. I've been that way my whole life, and I've been able to maintain my joy for most of my life. I can say that I've had a good--or, dare I say, easy--life, despite some painful things that happened to me. I still had joy and a giggle tickle in my belly. I always felt "kept" by something bigger than myself. It wasn't until I had to make decisions to say "no" to hurt and pain, from childhood--disillusions about myself that I thought were true--that I began to lose tracking and, thus, myself. I lost a lot of my new, and forming, footing because I believed things people said about, and did to, me in childhood. I believed every word I was told as a child--well not every word, I knew I wasn't stupid. Still, I became that child, again, and when it was time for me to step up and step out on faith, fear showed up. Doesn't it always? "But, what if they think I'm ugly? What if they don't think I deserve this? What if they form a clique against me and make fun of me behind my back?" Those things happened, or were said, to me, and they were real, hurt feelings that I still believed as an adult. I was stuck in them, not yet able to identify my real pain. I was stuck in a murky mess of fear and couldn't shake it. Alongside those fears was the unawareness that the decisions I was making had to be my own. I wanted to bring my family with me. I was afraid of losing them. or leaving them, behind, and I was afraid of being without them, but I wouldn't have been doing either. They are always with me, in some form. I am a part of them, and they are a part of me. I was afraid of losing that connection. I didn't think I could do it on my own. I didn't think I could be somebody until it, and my dreams, started to become a reality, and it scared me. I didn't know how, and was too afraid, to face my fears alone. But, now after yesterday, I know, and I know that my life is my life. That used to sound selfish, to me, but I owe it to myself to live it. I owe it to that little girl who was hurt all those years. She is my deserving factor. Life is my deserving factor, and I need nothing else. Now, having said this, I feel the need to retreat and hide again, as if someone is going to be watching my every move to see if I fail, but that is only fear, which has no place in my decision to be me.
I woke up, this morning, realizing that I was feeling some kind of way. I didn't own that fear anymore, like I had in the past. I wanted to learn from it. I became tired of feeling the same fear, and having the same experiences, over and over again. I have, yet, to realize that not everything is for everybody--even a reaction. Wearing my heart on my sleeve keeps me in tune with my feelings and with the needs, and feelings, of others, and I need that to be who I am. What I'm learning, though, is to be myself, no matter what. I don't need to be the ugly duckling or the one who, clumsily, puts herself out there in order to be made fun of. I realize that the pain has already happened. It won't happen again. One of my favorite lines is from the movie, "One Hour Photo". , "The things that we fear most have already happened to us." Robin Williams plays a man who works at a photo shop in a drug store and becomes obsessed with photos of a family. At one point, he says this, unexpectedly, poignant line, which always stuck with me. I wondered if it was true. My fear had been that those things would creep up again, that I was still that little girl. Now, I know that I'm not that little girl, anymore, and that she will always be a part of me, but her role is to guide me to the joys in life. She knows more than I think she knows and can be trusted with my heart. So, I don't know if I want to walk around with my heart only on the inside. I think I want to wear it on the outside, too, all the while being more cautious about when to put it away for safe-keeping.
This just occurred to me that this is about forgiveness. If I'm able to forgive those people, then I can move on. Forgiveness has been a challenge for me because I hurt so deeply. Still, it is something I must do, even if it's in saying Yes to the no's of my past.
I love you,
:) Yvette
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