Melancholy

Doubtful that things will work out, I am awake. It's that kind of awake in the middle of the night in which you're not sure how you even woke up. You're just up and going back to sleep seems like a chore. All of the thoughts in your mind keep you thinking that sleep is an option--one that eludes you because of its necessity and your fear of the unknown. That doesn't make sense, unless you're in my mind, I guess. Convincing myself that I shouldn't be asleep just because I awoke is nothing new, to me. I could, actually, probably, go back to sleep, right now, but the punishment of not sleeping is what I feel I deserve, so sleep becomes this thing that, behind my eyes, my mind won't let me do. Usually, I talk to God before doing anything else. In recent moments, it hasn't worked as well. I'm not saying that talking to God ever results in a non-resolution. God is in my desire to write this blog, right now. It is more of a doing than a talking moment. Those moments when there's nothing left to say, yeah, it's one of those moments. So, I'm here, and I knew that it wasn't very late in the morning. I could tell, and when I got on the computer and noticed the time, I knew something was up--something was on my heart. I'll probably still pray after writing this because I never give up the opportunity to pray when I awaken in the middle of the night. I feel like you can get so much done when you talk to God at that, as someone reminded me, "ungodly hour". Many people awaken at this hour and don't realize the opportunity they have. It is their chance to get down and dirty with God--snot, tears, confessing, being honest, letting go, hoping, dreaming, praying magnificent prayers in the middle of the night. It's what I am about to do, right now.

I love you!
Yvette