How do you know when you're being really honest with yourself? I know that I'm not being really honest with myself, and I'm feeling desperate, almost, to blurt out my honesty. If I could pinpoint one thing that I'm not being truthful about it would be easier, but, at this point in my life, I'm not sure where that truth lies. Look at that, an oxymoron--how ironic.

I am not happy about my relationship with myself. In fact, I hate myself. (I know one person who's not going to be happy to hear that, but hear me out.) I'm stating only something that is true and, I hope, will set me free. I hate myself because I did not listen to myself when I wanted to do my teen magazine--my big dream--and when I didn't give the man I still love a chance. (Hate it or love it.) I hate myself for not trusting myself, and I know that I hate myself because my magazine was called Self Love, which I had a lot of back then--especially when I was in the process of putting together the magazine. It felt good to be doing what I was doing for teens. I just didn't believe in myself, and I'm so angry with myself that the anger has turned to hate. I'm just realizing that what I'm really saying is that I'm not a very understanding and compassionate person. The fact that I could hate myself for making those mistakes and for making choices that took me in directions I didn't want to go, tells me that I'm not very understanding or compassionate. Why should I hate myself for those things when it was, then, that I needed compassion and understanding the most?

I'm a good person to come to for guidance, and, if you're open, I can lead you anywhere you want to go. I'm not proclaiming to be God, but I know how to do it. However, I am spoiled, and I want my way. When things don't go my way, I have a tantrum. I have a problem with being told no. I don't understand the word in its full context. To me, it sounds like, "You're not good enough." I can't stand it, in fact. In discovering that I hate myself, I had to realize something even more scary to admit--that I hate God, too. Now, this may be too much for some people, but I'm being honest. I've found a way to humble myself to prayer and to seek guidance and ask to be of service to Him, but I haven't found a way to let go of Him not letting me walk through the door that I refused to walk through when He first opened it for me, only to want to walk now that I see what it meant for my life. I mean that deep-down dreadful hate that any Apostolic church would love to deliver me from--not that that's a bad idea. Still, this is the truth, and I pray to be set free. So, maybe this is a part of answering my prayer, since even my understanding of God is off.

I don't even have an understanding of God. I guess that's why it's important for parents to have a true relationship with God because, now, I need help. I need prayer. I need to understand how to have a relationship with God--that even when I mess up, He still loves me, unconditionally. I need to learn this so that I can have a great relationship with myself and teach it to my daughter--that's important to me. I need to step up and have a one-on-one conversation with God and calm myself down enough to understand God for who He is. I need to stop running and not be intimidated by who I think He is, and I need to let Him show me who He is. I probably need to do a lot more than that, but I realize I'm growing just by writing this. I just accept His love, all that needing to do is just causing me to put off something I can do, now. So, God, I'm accepting of Your love, even if I'm just saying it so that I can start practicing it. I'm sorry for hating you and for hating myself. Please forgive me. It's the only way I knew how to cope with mistakes.

Now, I'm allowing the Lord in, and I'm honored to have the courage to do that. I'm happy for me!

Love you!
y.