So, what do you write about when you have so many things on your mind? I'm walking around in a dizzy daze. I don't even recognize the me I used to not recognize after I stopped recognizing me. I think I just stopped looking in the mirror, but no one can be blamed for any of this, but me. And sometimes I'm quite misogynistic and good at rebuking all of the goodness inside of me, so I'm staying away from that. What in the world do you do when you have all the questions in the world but the answers seem vague or non-existent? I have been trying to please many people for a long time, almost everyone. In fact, I can't remember a person I haven't tried to please. It's exhausting. My mind revolves around other people and not me. This is startling, to me, that I'm even admitting it, but, as they say, the truth shall set you free. I'm feeling freer already! I mean, my entire life revolves around what other people think. I know, at first I said that just my mind revolves around what other people think, but I realize it's my entire life. I would not be living this life if I did not care what other people thought. What life would I be living, you ask? Well, I'd be running my own magazine company. I'd have two children. I don't know what else, which, also, is freeing to admit.
Nine days later...
Now, the interesting thing about the above words is that I don't feel that way at all, today. I had planned to come back and just finish what I'd started nine days ago. Although I'm finishing what I started, it's in a different way than I expected. I believe I have grown out of my people-pleasing status, a little, since I wrote the above message. I guess growth is slow-coming for me, right now. I honestly cannot believe that what I've read above is so not where I am, today. That's a reason to give thanks.
I also realize that where I am today will not be where I may be a few days from now. In fact, I believe I'll be in a much better space. I've believed myself to this space, and I know that to be true because, as I believe myself into a better space, I see myself being in that better space. And it all comes down to timing, doesn't it? I mean, the time has come for me to believe something different about myself. Speaking of which, I had this very interesting conversation that spilled over into a conversation with another person. It became a three-some. I realized that my core belief about myself is that I'm ugly. That's it. Point blank. Knowing this I, actually, felt like I could do something about it. With another person now present, we continued our conversation about my core belief, and what this person said struck me to the core. (Wow, that was kind of deep). She said, "Now you know how the Universe works. What you believe will come back to you. And so if you believe that you are ugly, you will attract ugly things to you." Well, child, I have attracted enough ugly things to me to believe her. Even if I've heard this idea thirty times before. This time, it stuck. I didn't want to attract anymore ugliness to me. I was tired of ugly. I believe that the Universe doesn't let bad things happen to hurt you but to help you to realize that what you believe is not who, or what, you really are. If you get enough ugliness thrown at you, you will surrender, which is what I did.
I've learned that another form of surrendering is getting to the point where you're tired of defending your actions, which you don't even understand, and so you come clean and honest about yourself. This is how I allowed myself to reveal my core belief. I got tired of feeling ugly inside. So, now, I have to work on changing that, which can be fun if I allow it. I'll explain more about that later. First, I have to live it. :)
This is where I am, now, and although there's a lot of work to be done, I look forward to it. Just remember, how you feel about you is not your authentic truth unless it absolutely resonates with you, beautifully, on the inside.
And five days later, still...
That "warm, fuzzy feeling inside". I just heard that expressed in a commercial. Where did my warm, fuzzy feeling go? Where did I go? The last time I had that feeling was when God made a promise to me about something. I felt all warm inside, and I loved it. It was definitely a promise in which I got in the way. So, now what? Since there's no warm, fuzzy feeling anywhere in my current life, now what? Are these feelings ones to chase, or do they just show up, one day, after you've made several good decisions for yourself? I really don't know the answer. I was blessed to have those great feelings, within, despite my painful past. And, now, I guess my past has caught up with me because I couldn't pay to get a warm, fuzzy feeling within. So, this tells me something's wrong within. I mean, my external circumstances are not ideal, and I, often wonder why I made the recent choices I made, but I realize that this less than ideal situation is causing me to find the strength within. The funny thing I know is the strength is there, I just have to pull it out with thoughts that will change my life. I look forward to my life changing. My recent prayer to God has been that He change me from the inside out. I don't like who I've become. I was a nice, progressive young lady who was smart and on her way to something great. I knew it but didn't know how to capture, or seize, the moment. Nevertheless, life is still available to me and I'm still here--growing smarter and wiser than before. So, let the good times roll when they do. For now, I'll just listen to my heart, and to God, and wait.
I hope you're doing well.
Love,
Yvette
Ooh! I just had that warm, fuzzy feeling when I typed "still" in my introduction for "And five days later, still..." : )
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