Waking up in the morning is very hard to do. Well, not actually waking up, but the feeling that comes from waking up is one of nothingness. Now, I know that we're supposed to be grateful that we're here to see another day and that is exactly why I'm mentioning this. Over the last several years, I've awaken to the same head-in-the-sand feeling, morning after morning. It has become devastating to me--not enough to keep me awake at night but enough for me to write about it. I know what it's like to wake up and feel excited, or even just ready, for the new day. I know what it feels like to leave yesterday behind and to look forward to the day ahead. I lost that enthusiasm for life after several consecutive disappointments. After disappointing myself, on countless occasions, I stopped looking forward to life. I felt helpless against disappointing myself. When Beyonce's "Me, Myself and I" came out, I loved the song. I had trouble with one line, though, "I know that I would never disappoint myself." I became jealous of her because I couldn't say the same thing about myself. I felt intelligent and able to live as great a life as anyone, but I could not get past the point the disappointments. I put myself on a pedastal--there's that perfectionistic issue showing up again.

I didn't think I was supposed to make mistakes, and once I did, I just couldn't move past it. I couldn't wake up in the morning with the same spunk, the same spark, and I lost all interest in everything I was doing. I was depressed. So, knowing this about myself and still waking up, today, with the same feelings, where does this leave me? Who am I, now? I am the same person I was when I first stumbled. In fact, stumbling reminds me that I am human. I guess stumbling was meant to have a humbling affect. Instead, I internalized it and became more and more negative with every disappointment. I didn't know that it was okay to make mistakes until recently, and I held myself hostage due to that lack of wisdom. Now, I feel a little better after sharing these feelings. I think I gave myself a little more power by sharing and disempowering my warden of Guilt. I am emotionally available, a little more--and I mean a little. Change doesn't always happen swiftly. This change has taken years, so if I break out suddenly, it's only because I got it, but it took a long time for me to get here, even. Nevertheless, I got here.

Love,
Yvette