I can't always say that I have the most positive of thoughts and most hopeful of dreams. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do have dreams--have had them for years. It's the hope of seeing them through that I seemed to let go of, one day. There are so many ways that we can repeat the mistakes of our parents and not even know it. What I'm realizing is that I've been trying to avoid the path of my mom while, all the while, taking the same road as she.
My mom died of a massive heart attack at 68. She had heart disease since age 55. She was never the one whom you would expect to die so soon nor have health issues so early in her life. She was zesty and full of life, so we thought. I had gone to see this Chinese Healer, one day, and she told me to ask the Spirits above about my mom. She told me to tell her the first thing I heard. I told her that I heard, "She's dead." She asked me if they felt like evil spirits. I responded with a yes because I thought only an evil spirit would say that my mom was dead when she was clearly alive. Well, as time passed on, I didn't know, for sure, if that spirit was truly evil. I think it spoke the truth. Why do I believe this? Well, now, if someone asked a spirit about me, that spirit could very well say the same thing about me, I'm dead--emotionally. Now, I know this may sound sad, but it is the truth.
I have been living like a walking Zombie trying to find my way back to living again. I lost sight of who I was, and got so scared of that, that I stopped living. I think my mom felt the same way, at some point. I believe she had a broken heart and never really recovered. I say this because some unusual circumstances led my mother to some information that would mean bad news and a broken heart, for me. When she heard the news, she said that she hadn't felt pain like that in years. When I heard the news, I was devastated, but I hid my emotions well for fear that my mom would criticize me and call me "weak" and "dumb." So, I dwelled in my pain instead of releasing it. This reminds me of Jay-Z who, in one of his songs, speaks of the sudden death of his young cousin. He expressed the importance of feeling pain and letting it go, instead of holding it in. I struggled with his level of wisdom, for a little while, because I had done the very opposite in my own life. I cannot let that happen again--the holding on of pain that reults in the killing of my soul.
There were several choices I made in which I did not handle situations with great wisdom. Who am I kidding? With no wisdom. Instead, I lost every ounce of myself trying to be with one person and trying to be somebody else for that person. The shame of messing it up was what caused such pain. Even after the relationship was completely over, I didn't deal with the pain. I still harbor that pain--not good, I know. So, this is why I remind myself of my mom. I see her pain as my own, and I see the choices I've made recently as not my own but ones my mother may have made. I have a daily struggle with my choices, knowing that I could have made better ones in the past. With all that mentioned, I still believe that I have time to fix things--not by my own hands--but by my willingness to let God be God and to trust that whatever direction He gives me, it will always be better than the one I'm on, in the long run.
Love,
Yvette
Really quick. You are not alone in holding pain and emotions in (from the past). I was reading Hill Harpers book last night and in his letters to a young sistah, he mentioned that "while I have a great career, plenty of close friends, and a strong relationship with God, the one area of my life that I can't seem to make work is a romantic relationship." He says "missing my mother everyday when I was your age led me to close myself off. I used to think that if my own mother could leave me as a child, how could I ever trust another woman." Your words triggered this reading cause I find that we all no matter who we are a very emotionally affected by things/life, especially when we are young, and many times misplace or hold in those honest hurt feelings, for whatever reason. I find that most times its out of fear of being seen as weak or that no one will care or understand us. When I read this, after my recent experience with Marlon, I was reminded of how I had held in hurt feelings in regard to my Dad, and the ways and not so great characteristics in which I see him and never really get to fully express. I realized that I shrink and kinda hide my true self sometimes from him because of past situations I felt very hurt and misunderstood. After a while I just hid parts of myself, my true emotions/thoughts (which really sucks) because expressing what I really felt and thought because I was conviinced to believe those feelings were foolish and maybe even petty, I need to grow up and get over it. As I've grown I realized that I am a very sensitive person, and that's alright! Thats beautiful and neccessary. Me being sensitive (I'll just recieve that as a beutiful given), I find that I just need to be creative in the way I see things and handle situations to be able to see and move through and beyond that moment/situation. (Truthfully, me being sensitive or not, I think we all could use creative ways to get trhough life...and honestly I think we're all "sensitive" but have been convinced that emotions are weak, so we hold it in and harden a bit sometimes...seems the people who get praised for emotions are artists...just thought of Hilary Clinton).
ReplyDeleteThis why I truly thank God for the art he gave as a blessing, and your blog (magazine)he gave as a blessing, and Jay-z's rap career he gave as a blessing, and Hill Harper's acting career as a blessing (oh and your acting career as a blessing) so that we all may find Him in/and ourselves amidst it all. Be well. PEACE be with you. lol Namaste and all that. Chile share this dang blog with other people. It is a blessing! I know it's personal, but it will be fine. especiall once it turns into a magazine. What a great start Yvette! Congratulaaaaaaaaaaaaaaations!
oh! I wanted to say one more thing. Sometimes I think emotions come out diff with men and woman. It seems men are still able to manuever through life and succeed in they're careers and detach a bit. But women are a bit more stifled sometimes until they get everything out. I dunno, just a thought. I think I could be completely wrong
ReplyDeleteNo, you're onto something, I think. Men are able to compartmentalize their thoughts so that they can continue on, while women need to work through their feelings before they feel better. ALSO, you do not need to just grow up and get over how you feel. When people say that, they don't even know what they're saying. There are things that they need to grow up and get over. A sensitive person--such as yourself--would never find it inside themselves to say that unless they had something profound, poignant and positive to follow. I love you!
ReplyDeleteYvette